


The Conversation

by Princess of Geeks (Princess), Rakshi



Category: Lord of the Rings RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-02
Updated: 2011-12-02
Packaged: 2017-10-26 19:19:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 37,298
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/286956
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Princess/pseuds/Princess%20of%20Geeks, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rakshi/pseuds/Rakshi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sean and Elijah are in Elijah’s NY apartment not long after the ROTK premieres.... and they have a conversation.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Conversation

It was late. The New York night outside the windows of Elijah’s apartment was mild for January, cool and clear. They could have been on the balcony… but they weren’t

Sean sprawled on the couch fiddling with his cell phone. He’d been trying to figure out how to send text messages for two days now, but even with Elijah’s help, he hadn’t managed to get one through.

He felt something cold hit his hand and glanced up to see Elijah holding out a chilled and dripping glass. Sean reached for it gratefully. “Thanks,” he murmured, laying the cell aside. He sipped the champagne and smiled slowly. It felt almost as good as it tasted. He was ready to kick back a bit, the past few weeks had been grueling.

Elijah had settled, cross-legged, on the floor at his feet and was watching him steadily, sampling the golden liquid as he gazed. He drank as though he held a glass of soda, clutching the stem in his fist, taking long, sloppy slugs that left a wet line of champagne glistening along his upper lip.

Sean resisted the temptation to lean over and swipe at the wetness with his thumb. ‘Jesus,’ he thought. ‘I’ve spent thousands of hours looking at him. You’d think I’d be tired of it. But, I’m not. Never could be.’ He sighed and flicked his wet fingers toward Elijah’s face, laughing softly as the drops feathered across his cheeks.

“Hey!” Elijah protested, grinning. “So, how’s the champers?”

“Good,” Sean told him. “It’s so nice to just.. you know.. relax.”

Elijah nodded, studying his wine.

“What do you see in there?” Sean quizzed him with a grin.

Elijah pursed his lips and shook his head. He lifted the glass to his lips and downed the wine in one swallow. “Not a thing.” He squirmed a bit and scooted closer to where Sean was perched on the edge of the couch.

“Sean?”

“Mmm.”

“Can I ask you a question?”

“You know you can.”

Elijah shrugged. “Well, this question is a bit... oh, I dunno, unusual, I guess.”

Sean leaned back a bit and scrutinized him, his brow furrowed. “Well, now you HAVE to ask me. What is it?”

Elijah splayed his hands out in front of him, and for a long moment he looked down at them quizzically. He slowly drew his fingers into a fist, then opened them again.

“Elijah?” Sean asked quietly. “What is it? Is something wrong?”

“Oh, no. No, no, no,” Elijah told him quickly, still staring at his hands. “It’s just.. “ He glanced up at Sean, his beautiful features twisting into an expression of doubt. “It’s just... an unusual question.”

Sean smirked at him, making Elijah smile. He leaned forward in a conspiratorial manner. “Umm, Elwood?”

Elijah punched at Sean’s leg, giggling, knowing what was coming. “OK. OK.”

Sean leaned closer and murmured. “We’ve already determined that the question is… uhmmm ‘unusual’.” He nodded sagely. “Time to… like... uh...” he waved his fingers as if motioning something forward. “... move on?”

Two blue eyes narrowed in his direction. “Prick.”

Sean leaned back on the couch, inhaling deeply. It was hard for him to relax. Even sitting still was tough for him at times. He was so driven to be doing, becoming, always seeking what he never quite found.

But… not here. Not now.

He gazed at Elijah for a count of two, savoring a deepening feeling of contentment. “Wussy-boy,” he murmured, watching the blue eyes slant as the grin hit his face.

“Fuck you, Astin!”

“Promises, promises,” Sean responded with a wink. “The question,” he prodded. “Elijah, ask the damn question.”

Elijah squirmed again,

“Ahh, fuck, Sean,” he muttered. “Maybe this was just a bad idea. Now that’s it’s come right down to it, I can’t ask you.” He shook his head, an expression of disgust twisting his features. “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to seem… “

“… like a wuss?” Sean grinned.

Elijah glanced quickly up at him and scowled.

“Come on, Elwood,” Sean prompted, leaning forward. “Tell me.” He grasped Elijah’s wrists and tugged him closer, bending until their eyes were only inches apart. “Please, Lij,” he begged in a low whisper.

Elijah’s eyes widened slightly as Sean’s whisper invoked an aura of intimacy around them. His words were a flow of warm air over Elijah’s face, tightening his skin. Leaving him feeling how he supposed a drowning man would feel if one could drown in something close to… what? The word ‘bliss’ came, unbidden, into his mind, and he frowned.

His eyes focused on Sean’s hand as it enclosed his left wrist. His arm looked so small in Sean’s hand. Words came slowly. With difficulty. Elijah inhaled deeply. “Sean, I’m afraid to say it.”

Sean lifted his hand and rested it gently on Elijah’s shoulder. His eyes narrowed but he said nothing.

“I’m afraid you won’t like it,” Elijah muttered.

Again Sean said nothing. He placed both palms on Elijah’s shoulders and looked over Elijah’s head, thinking. Then their eyes locked again. “Lij, maybe the things I don’t like hearing are the things I most NEED to hear.” His hands moved on Elijah’s shoulders, shaking him gently. “You know?”

Elijah nodded slowly. “I know, Sean. But this… ,” He sighed, and shook himself in self disgust. “Ahhhh.. I’m a cunt. I shouldn’t have mentioned it unless I was sure I’d have the balls to actually follow through.”

He hands touched Sean’s arms, moving slowly from his wrists to his elbows and back again while they gazed into each other’s eyes.

“OK,” Elijah said decisively. “I’ll ask the question.” He dropped his head and took a short breath, then raised his eyes to Sean’s again.

“Have you ever wondered…” he began, and stopped.

Sean remained silent, but his hands squeezed Elijah’s neck reassuringly.

Elijah cleared his throat and shook himself briefly, as though trying to shake off his reluctance. “Have you ever wondered… ,” he began again. “What it would feel like… ,” he stopped again and looked up at Sean apprehensively.

Sean’s eyes had narrowed a bit. “What it would feel like… ,” he prompted.

“To kiss me,” Elijah finished quickly, almost running the words together in his haste.

Sean leaned back slowly.. looking over Elijah’s head, his brows raised. “To… ,” he started, then stopped, then started again. “… to kiss you,” he said quietly.

He looked down at Elijah quickly. “I HAVE kissed you!”

Elijah merely looked at him.

“Oh,” Sean said quietly. “You mean…,” he stopped again, then swallowed hard and continued. “… a real kiss.”

Elijah sighed. “I’m not asking you to DO it,” he said slowly. “Just asking if it ever crossed your mind. I mean… you know.. to wonder what it would feel like.”

Their eyes locked, then Elijah looked quickly away.

“I TOLD you it was a stupid question!” Elijah snapped. He threw Sean’s hands off his shoulders and started to scramble to his feet. “Why did you make me ask it?”

Sean refused the bait and snagged his arm, tugging hard, trying to drag Elijah back to the floor. “Would you wait a minute?” Sean asked gently. “Would you just please give me a second to think?”

“What’s to think about? It’s a simple yes or no question.” He tried to pull his arm from Sean’s grasp, but Sean hung on tight.

“Elijah,” Sean implored. “Sit down.” He tugged again. “Please.”

Elijah looked over his head, but Sean could see his clenched jaw and set lips.

“The answer is yes.”

“You’re lying,” Elijah mumbled.

“I’m not,” Sean said solidly. “Elijah, sit. Please. I’m not lying.”

Elijah dropped to his knees in front of the couch and looked down at his hands. “I’m sorry, Sean,” he murmured. “I shouldn’t have called you a liar. I know you don’t lie to me.”

“I’m just not sure what you really want, Lij.”

Elijah shook his head. “I’m not either.”

Sean dropped his hands back onto Elijah’s shoulders. “Why did you ask me this?”

Elijah shrugged. “Sometimes we seem so close. I don’t mean physically. I mean emotionally. I feel a sense of… intimacy that I've never felt before. It's almost overwhelming at times. Like… like no one else exists. When it’s like that… I think.. I.. I've thought… I’ve felt like… I mean I’ve uhhh.. said to myself: ‘He’s going to kiss me.’”

Sean’s hands rose and captured Elijah’s head between them. His thumbs moved in small, gentle circles, massaging his temples.

“And what would you have done if I had?” he asked.

His voice was warm and low. Elijah’s eyes started to close, losing himself again. Sinking into the same warm, soothing enchantment that he’d felt so many times with Sean. He forced his eyes open. “There! Like that! You just did it again.”

Sean laughed. “What? What did I do? Rub your temples?”

“You used that voice!” Elijah told him. “That… ‘Sean-voice. You’re using that intimate Sean-voice. Do you do that on purpose? That’s when I wonder if you’re going to kiss me.”

“Should I?”

“Should you?”

The thumbs stopped rubbing. The eyes took on an emerald glow. “Yeah. Should I?”

Elijah drew in a breath and opened his mouth to speak… but Sean beat him to it.

“Are we having THE conversation?” he half-whispered.

“Why not? You’re using THE voice,” Elijah pointed out.

Sean was silent for a moment, then, surprisingly, giggled. “Sorry.” He lifted his voice into a high falsetto “How’s this? Is this better?”

“Sean!” Elijah grumbled. He grabbed Sean’s wrists and pushed his hands down and away. “I actually wanted to have a semi-serious conversation here. One with some amount of meaning to me. But now…” He stood quickly and ducked away from Sean’s reaching arm. “I’m going to get some more wine,” he said tightly, taking his wineglass from the table. “You can just sit here and do… ,” He waved his hands in the air in disgust. “… whatever the fuck it is that you’re doing!”

Sean sighed, grabbed his glass, and followed Elijah into the kitchen. He was standing beside the counter pouring himself more champagne when Sean walked up and held out his glass. Elijah silently poured for him, then stared down at his half-empty wineglass while Sean sipped.

“Lij,” Sean began. “I never meant to… ,”

“Well, fuck this!” Elijah interrupted. He opened the cupboard next to his head, pulled out a large water tumbler and gazed at it, nodding approvingly. “Now THAT’S more like it!” He dumped the contents of his wineglass into the tumbler, then filled it to the brim with champagne.

“Jeez, Lij,” Sean said quietly. “Do you think you should… ,”

Elijah picked the tumbler up and walked toward the living room before Sean could finish. He turned at the door and glanced back. “You coming?” he asked irritably.

For a moment there was silence. “No,” Sean drawled finally. “But the night’s young and I still have hope.”

Elijah fell slowly forward against the door-jam, laughing helplessly. “OK. OK,” he squeaked, glancing at Sean who winked as he passed. “You got me.”

Sean sat back on the couch, and watched as Elijah moved some distance away before re-perching on the floor.

“Lij?” Sean asked quietly.

Elijah looked up.

Sean crooked his finger. “C’mere.”

Elijah pursed his lips and shook his head. “Nope. I’m happy right here.”

Sean rolled his eyes. “Elijah. Please?”

Elijah’s head was still shaking. “Uh uh,” he said, sipping his wine.

“You punishing me?”

“You feel punished?” Elijah snapped.

“Yes. I do,” Sean told him seriously.

Now it was Elijah’s turn to roll his eyes. Shaking his head and donning his most ‘put upon’ expression, he scooted across the floor to Sean’s feet. He sat his tumbler of champagne on the carpet and spread his arms out, looking up at Sean. “OK. I’m here. Now what?”

Sean silently held out his hand.

“What?”

Sean’s hand extended further.

“Oh, fer’ fuck’s sake… ,” Elijah sputtered. He sighed dramatically and placed his hand in Sean’s.

“Now what?” Elijah asked, looking up into Sean’s eyes.

“Grab your bubbly,” Sean said, grasping Elijah’s hand tightly.

Elijah grabbed his tumbler, and was immediately hauled to his feet, and onto the couch beside Sean.

“Fuck's sake, Astin!” Elijah spouted, trying not to laugh. “Ya, could’a spilled my champers!”

“I’d have gotten you some more,” Sean said, slipping his arm around Elijah’s shoulders. He tugged, pulling Elijah close to him. Then turned half sideways, his arm still draped over his friend.

“OK,” he said softly. “I gather this is more important than I thought. So I apologize for goofing around.”

Elijah started to speak, but Sean held up one finger, asking him to wait.

“Your question made me feel self-conscious, and that, in turn made me want to joke about it.”

Elijah nodded. “I can understand that.”

Sean sighed and wrapped his hand around the back of Elijah’s neck. Elijah tried not to smile, but failed. The hand on his neck felt huge. And warm. Very warm.

“Lij?” Sean asked softly.

“Yeah?”

“Are you sure you want to have this conversation?”

Sean’s thumb was moving. Rubbing softly just under Elijah’s ear, touching his ear lobe with a gentle caress every time it moved. Elijah looked up and into his eyes. There was no humor there now. No irony. He looked totally absorbed in what they were saying.

“Yeah,” Elijah said. “I do.”

Sean nodded slowly and pulled Elijah toward him. He bent his head and pressed their foreheads together gently. Then he backed away.

“OK, Elwood. Whatever you want.” He was silent for a moment, then spoke softly: “Have I ever wondered what it would feel like to kiss you.” His thumb moved under Elijah’s ear again. His eyes were focused beyond Elijah, to the wall in back of him.

Elijah was silent.

“Yes. I’ve… thought about it.”

“Yeah?” Elijah breathed.

Sean’s head fell forward. All Elijah could see was the top of his head, so he cupped Sean’s chin and tried to tilt his face up. But Sean grabbed his hand and pushed it away.

“I don’t know if I can say this while I’m looking at you,” he murmured.

Elijah nodded. “OK, Sean. Say it without looking at me.”

Sean’s head dropped again, and Elijah let it fall. He leaned forward and pressed a kiss to Sean’s soft, wavy hair. It smelled like a Spring day, clean and fresh. He pressed his face against the silken curls, rubbing them against his cheek and when Sean sighed he felt a stab of guilt hit his chest.

“Sean?” he said quietly, trying to tip Sean’s face up again. “Sean, I’m sorry. You don’t have to answer.”

Sean refused to lift his head. “No,” he murmured. “I'll answer.”

Elijah said nothing, but kept his face pressed to Sean’s curls.

“I feel afraid, Elijah,” he said softly.

“Afraid when you think of it?”

“Yes. Afraid.”

“Why that of all things? I thought maybe disgusted. Or offend…”

“No!” he said vehemently. He lifted his head and looked directly into Elijah’s eyes. “I would not feel disgusted! Or offended.”

“I thought maybe you wouldn’t like it.”

Sean surprised him by smiling. Then surprised him further by leaning in and kissing his brow. “Lij, my problem with thinking about us kissing ISN’T that I think I wouldn’t like it.”

“No?”

“No.”

“Soooo… ,” Elijah prompted.

“So… what IS the problem?” Sean asked.

“Uh.. yeah. Well… what are you afraid of?”

Sean drew a deep sigh. “Well… I-i-i-eee uhh…” he stopped, his face wrinkled as if in pain. “I mean I… ,” he began, then stopped again. "I’m afraid that if I started kissing you… really kissing you… that stopping would be… hard. Sean told him finally, the words rushing out of his throat in a hoarse whisper. His head immediately dropped again. “Please, don’t be mad at me.”

“Mad? Why would I be mad? We need to… ”

“All this GAY shit you’ve been through!” Sean interrupted, pushing Elijah’s hands down. “All these idiotic rumors? I know how much it’s bothered you! I know how upset you’ve been by it. Then I have THOSE kind of feelings for you? God I make myself… ,” He shook his head and gestured frantically with his arms. “Ahhhhh, God… I… I make myself sick!”

Elijah grabbed his wrists and forced his arms down. “Stop it!”

Sean was shaking his head. “I’m a creep. A creep!”

Elijah pressed his hand to Sean’s mouth. “Jesus! Would you fucking stop?” he half-yelled.

Sean looked at him, his eyes filled with misery.

“What? You’re a creep? And…,” Elijah grinned and poked him gently in the ribs, unable to resist quoting "Radiohead". “What? I’m so fuckin’ special?”

Sean didn’t smile. He sighed and turned away. “Not funny.”

“No,” Elijah said. “I suppose not. But I have to tell you, of all the things you've said to me tonight, that's the one thing that SHOULD make me angry!”

Sean’s head nodded as it dropped into his hands. “It’s been that kind’a night.”

“How could you compare what you and I feel toward each other to the ridiculous fucking rumors being spread around on the Internet by people who don’t even KNOW us!”

Sean raised his head and glanced sideways. “Lij, I… ,”

“How could you do that? You know how much I hate that stuff, Sean. You know what I think of people who discuss my private life that way. And now you’re comparing them to US?”

Sean shrugged his shoulders. “Lij, I’m sorry. I… I guess I just… ,” he shrugged again then sighed and shook his head in defeat. “I’m just sorry. You’re right, and I’m just sorry.”

Elijah grinned. Sean’s head was down and his broad shoulders were hunched. He ran his fingers through Sean’s hair, pressing hard on his scalp. “Afraid you couldn’t stop?” he asked gently.

Sean’s head lifted enough to shoot Elijah a sheepish glance, blushing furiously. “You did ask,” he pointed out.

“Afraid you couldn’t stop, Sean! That’s so awesomely sweet!”

“Elijah!”

“Well it IS, Sean,” he insisted. “Still my Samwise. Still protecting me, even from yourself." He carded his fingers through Sean's hair. "I think you’re exaggerating though. I doubt you’d have any trouble stopping.”

Sean stared into his eyes without saying a word. He was chewing on the inside of his lower lip and his eyes were narrowed. Three seconds of the silent staring was all Elijah could take.

“What?” he erupted. “What are you thinking?”

“You’re wrong,” Sean said quietly.

“About… Oh. About… stopping.” He looked at Sean with a doubtful expression twisting his features. “Really?”

Sean turned away quickly and made a grab for his cell phone. “Show me again how to do text messages on this. I can’t believe I’m having so much trouble with it.”

“Sean!”

“What, Elijah? Do we need to talk about this anymore? You have your answer. I feel bad enough about all this as it is. I wish I'd never started talking about it.” He thrust the cell phone at Elijah as though it were on fire. “Show me again!”

Elijah took the phone and set it gently on the table. “Sean. Stop. I was kidding about being mad. I tease too much at times. I just wanted you to stop being so harsh with yourself.”

Sean silently examined his hands.

“Sean, does it really… worry you?” Elijah put his hand on Sean’s back and moved it in a circular motion.

“Elijah! Of course it worries me! Jesus!”

“The… uh.. ‘gay shit’?” Elijah asked, smiling gently.

Sean turned to him. “My god, Elijah, it’s not funny. I hate myself for how I feel about you at times.”

Elijah’s hand fell from Sean’s back. He leaned back, frowning, his fists clenched against the pain that reverberated through his body. He felt his eyes sting. “Hate yourself?”

“Lij…”

“Do you know how bad that makes me feel?” He didn’t want Sean to see the tears in his eyes, but he couldn’t turn away. “Jesus, Sean. Should I hate myself for how I feel about YOU? Do you see those feelings as… wrong somehow?”

Stunned, Sean’s eyes flew open. “Oh god, Lij! That’s not what I meant!”

Elijah sighed. “Sounded like you did. Like you think having gay feelings for me is… a bad thing.”

“It’s not that at all!” Sean cried, seizing Elijah’s shoulders roughly and pulling him into a tight hug. “I just don’t know what to do!”

Elijah wrapped his arms around Sean’s body, rocking him gently.  
“Shhhh,” he soothed. “It’s OK. You don’t have to do anything. God,  
I'm sorry. This is all my fault, Seanie.”

Sean mumbled against Elijah’s shirt. “How could my feelings be your  
fault?”

Elijah cupped Sean’s face in his hands, trying to lift his head. “Because I WANT you to want to kiss me, and try to tease you into it by doing things I know you find… seductive. Because it doesn’t bother me that I want to kiss you, and I forget that you feel differently. Because I wouldn't mind exploring that side of our relationship, and though I know you probably don't want to, I talk about it anyway because it feels good.” He finally managed to lift Sean’s bowed head and peeked into his eyes. “How’s that?”

Sean swallowed hard. “I – god, Lij. You really feel that way?”

Elijah nodded. “Yeah. I do. And furthermore, it doesn't bother me one fucking iota.” He sighed gently and pressed his forehead against Sean’s. "I wish you felt the same.”

Sean sighed softly. "Not much chance of that, Doodle. There’s just too much at stake."

“I know.”

Sean shook his head, then sat back suddenly, catching his breath. “Elijah! Tell me something.”

Surprised, Elijah blinked. “OK. What?”

Sean captured Elijah’s hands in his. “I think about being…”

“Gay?” Elijah asked, squeezing Sean’s hands and trying not to smile.

“Well, yeah,” Sean replied. “I mean… I don’t really worry about it. More like… wonder about it. It’s not like I haven’t felt… I mean – I HAVE felt... Jesus, Lij, you know what I mean.”

“No, I don’t,” Elijah said with a grin. “Tell me!”

Sean glowered at him. “Stop.”

Elijah considered for a moment. “I don’t think you’re gay, Sean. Bi, maybe. Maybe just…," he hesitated, then grinned. "Hetero-flexible?”

"Hetero-flexible," Sean growled scornfully. “Spare me the massive rationalizations.”

“But, it’s not," Elijah protested. "You’re mostly straight…” Elijah’s grin widened. “With one noteworthy exception.”

“Mostly straight,” Sean muttered sarcastically. “C'mon, Elijah.”

“How many other guys do you wanna shag?” Elijah shot back.

“Didn’t say I wanted to shag YOU,” Sean replied, a brief smile  
softening his face. “We were talking about a KISS here, remember?”

Elijah opened his mouth to speak, then stopped. “OK,” he whispered,  
blushing. “You’re right, Sean. I’m projecting.”

They were silent for a moment, then Elijah spoke quietly. “My mom knew I was gay before I did.” He grinned at Sean’s surprised look. “Yeah. And she was always open enough about it that when I finally understood what I was feeling, she’s the person I turned to. I’ve never really seen myself as wrong or bad because of her acceptance.”

Sean thought about his relationship with his own mother, and smiled. “God, Lij, that’s amazing.”

Elijah nodded, taking Sean’s hand in his. “She told me that a person’s gender didn’t matter when I fell in love. That in many ways it was the least important aspect of any relationship. But that it DID matter that I loved with integrity. It mattered that the one I love have integrity, and it mattered that my love for them was expressed with integrity.”

Sean hesitated, wondering if he really wanted to hear the answer, then spoke falteringly. “Lij, have you had many… relationships?”

Elijah smiled. “I’ve had a couple lovers. One guy I met while I was shooting ‘The Faculty’” He hesitated for a moment, then continued. “One I met on the Lord of the Rings set, and no, I won’t tell you who it was.”

Sean grimaced, but nodded at the same time. “OK. Fair enough.”

He lowered his head for a moment, then spoke softly. “It would have been nice if the first guy I’d ever kissed had been you.”

Sean stared at him silently, his heart pounding. “Listen,” he said quietly. “Let me tell you something about me that you might not know.”

Elijah nodded.

“All my life I’ve had this… empty feeling. This big hole inside me.” He thought for a moment, his thumbs brushing across the back of Elijah’s hands. “I’ve thrown a lot of things into that hole trying to fill it. Trying to make that empty feeling go away. Because… it hurts.”

He glanced up. “You know?”

Elijah nodded again, feeling his eyes smart. Sean didn’t usually let anyone see this deep inside him. He was careful to wear a smiling mask that covered over the kind of emotional openness that could crack his heart. Sean was honest to a fault…intellectually. But only rarely did this honestly extend to his feelings. He didn't like feeling that vulnerable. Elijah knew that. This was new, this access to the inner reaches of Sean's heart, and Elijah listened, spellbound.

“I threw work into that hole. Money. Family. Thought if I got married… that would fill it. Thought if I had a kid… THAT would fill it. Got involved with politics. Thought THAT would fill it." Sean sighed. " I bought things. Did things. Wanted things." He shook his head. “But… nothing filled it, Elijah. That empty feeling never went away.”

He glanced up again, then lowered his head and stared at their joined hands. “It just hurt me. All the time.” He stopped… and seemed to think for a moment. “And… it made me feel like a failure. Because nothing I ever did or had was enough. And I'd constantly kid myself into believing that whatever I was currently obsessing over would be IT. Would be the one thing that gave me peace." He hesitated still staring at Elijah's hands clasped in his own. "But… it never was."

“Then…,” Sean said, quietly. “I met you, Elijah.” He lifted his head and peeked at Elijah then lowered it again. “You.”

Elijah lifted his hand and ran it through Sean’s hair. The smarting in his eyes had turned into burning. His throat ached unbearably. “Sean,” he choked.

“I dunno,” Sean said, laughing quietly. “I’ve never had a clue what to call it, Elijah. Maybe it was too simple for me. I wanted it to be complex and difficult. A deep psychological mystery. Something I had to wrestle with. Figure out. Unravel. When all the time it was simply that I fell in love. I wonder now if I've ever been in love with anyone else. I don't know how else to understand it, Elijah.” He leaned into Elijah’s hand, feeling as though he was dissolving from the inside out. Hoping that hand could catch him. Save him from disappearing.

“I do know that when I'm with you, the emptiness is gone. I lack for nothing." He stared up, quickly, into Elijah's eyes, pulling Elijah's hand back into his own. "I don’t give a damn what anyone wants to label it. But, Jesus… I was afraid to say anything. Afraid to do anything. I wasn’t afraid of what it said about my sexual orientation. Could have cared less about that. I was afraid of the impact it would have on my life. On my family.” He shook his head, mindlessly clutching at Elijah's hands with both of his. "But, oh god, Lij, that wasn't the worst of it."

"Tell me," Elijah breathed.

Sean nodded silently. When he next spoke his voice was hesitant. "I was afraid that talking about this stuff or even THINKING about this stuff, would somehow cause me to fuck up our friendship." He shook his head, his voice breaking. "I simply could not have borne it if I'd done that, Elijah."

"Never happen," Elijah reassured him, holding his hands tight. "Sean that's just not a possibility."

Sean shrugged. "So you say, Elwood." He released Elijah's hands and leaned back on the sofa. "And maybe that's true."

"Maybe?"

"Elijah, I've seen times in the past four years when that last thing you wanted or could have dealt from me was a declaration of big gay love. You had enough 'gay' going on in your life."

Elijah's eyes narrowed. "Sean, you're doing it again."

“Doing what?” He asked, his eyes suddenly twinkling. “Taking 20 minutes to say what you said in 20 seconds?”

Elijah remained silent and Sean sighed. "There are other considerations."

Elijah nodded. "I understand that, Sean. I'm not asking you for anything."

"What?" Sean queried in disbelief. "Elijah, this entire conversation is asking me for something. Even if all it's asking me for is a confession."

"Sean, we can talk about this."

"We've BEEN talking about it. I'm not any less anxious, or any more  
convinced that it's a good idea."

"Sean," Elijah said softly. "We can talk about this."

"And accomplish what?" Sean asked.

"Accomplish being emotionally honest with each other if nothing else," Elijah said. "I don't know how we can even call ourselves close friends, while we're ignoring the huge pink Oliphaunt sitting in the middle of the room."

Sean shot him a glance.

"I thought we had agreed on that, Sean. That we'd always be honest with each other."

"I AM honest with you!" Sean said. "I've never lied to you about this, Elijah."

"Oh, I get it. Omissions don't count, huh?" He glowered at Sean. "That's your definition of honestly? NOW who's handing out massive rationalizations!"

Sean stared into his friend's face, struggling for calm. "You're right," he said finally. "God, I know you're right. It's just that… I'm not used to dealing with powerful emotions. I'm used to burying them. I'm not used to thinking of them as 'safe'. To me… the more powerful my feelings for you grew, the more they frightened me. "

Elijah nodded. "I understand, Sean. But…" he grinned suddenly. "You've been outed. You know now. We both know the way the other one feels. You can't go back to not knowing. And… neither can I. No more pink Oliphaunt."

Sean looked at Elijah, his hazel eyes glowing with compassion. "Lij," Sean half-whispered. "I have to tell Chris. If omissions are wrong for us, aren't they just as wrong for her? What do I say to her now that I've been… outed?"

Suddenly frightened, Elijah grabbed his arm. “Sean, wait.”

Sean shook his head. "Suppressed feelings are easy to rationalize. I could call them something else. Be as affectionate with you as I wanted to be because we were 'just friends'. Now what do I do?"

Elijah choked. "God, Seanie, I never meant…"

"I know, baby. You wanted us to be open with each other, and you’re right to want that. But now… how do I explain to HER? What do I say when she asks me why I look at you the way I do? What do I say when she asks me if I'm in love with you?"

"Say 'no'," Elijah breathed.

"Lie?" Sean queried.

"YES, lie!" Elijah thundered. "Of COURSE, lie!" He ran his hands through his dark hair almost desperately. "Jesus, Sean! There's nothing noble about a truth whose only purpose is to hurt someone! What other purpose would it serve? You're not about to leave her… so why tell her? To spare YOU from having to think of yourself as a guy who told his wife a lie? What else IS there? We're not lovers. There's nothing to tell."

"But Lij," Sean responded in a low, quiet voice. "I WANT us to be lovers."

Elijah smiled slowly. "So do I. But we're not." His grin broadened. "Hell, I didn't even get that kiss we talked about. And you need to be careful using that warm, flirty voice with me. I tend to take it seriously."

Sean glanced at him. "I LIKE using that warm, flirty voice with you. I like the feeling of intimacy it creates." He lowered his head, but not before Elijah had seen the unhappiness in his face.

"Sean, please keep your mouth shut to Chris. You're entitled to have private feelings that you only share with me. What's the point to telling her? Neither of us is ready for that kind of move." He grabbed Sean's arm. "You're NOT, are you?"

Sean turned to face Elijah. "Do you have any idea how much it hurts me to say 'no' to that question?"

Elijah silently stared at him, his hand reaching blindly to touch Sean's face. "I know," he whispered. "Hurts me to hear it, but it's the right thing for you to say for now. I know that too."

Sean sighed. "I feel like Sam. Torn between Frodo and Rosie. Jesus, Elijah. This whole thing is monumentally life changing. I just wish I wasn’t so scared. Makes me do and say stupid things at times."

Elijah's smile was warm as his thumbs caressed Sean’s cheekbones. “We’re both frightened. We feel that way because we’re decent people! We don’t want anyone hurt on account of us. Hard for me to feel bad about that, Sean. It’s a lot of the reason why I love you. You’re a decent guy.”

Sean felt his chest tighten. “Lij…,” he whispered.

"We can do this, Sean. And we can do it without having a 'Grey Havens' in our lives."

Sean stared at him silently.

"Can't we?" Elijah asked quietly, and Sean was suddenly blindsided by how young he was. Oh, he'd grown up, no question. He wasn't the kid that Sean had met and grown to love in New Zealand. But now, in this moment of emotional truth between them, Sean saw his innocence, his inexperience, his unconditional belief in Sean's love… and his fear.

Sean shook his head, feeling love for Elijah overwhelm him. "Jesus, Elijah. This is bullshit."

He reached up quickly and took Elijah's face into his two hands and pulled him slowly forward until their lips were pressed together. Elijah's gasp opened his mouth under Sean's and for a long time the only sounds in the room were quick inhalations and tiny, whimpering moans of pleasure.

Sean finally leaned back, releasing Elijah's face, his head lowered.

"Oh my god," Elijah breathed. He glanced up as Sean lifted his head, expecting to see his features twisted with sadness or self recrimination. Instead, he looked into the smiling face of beatific joy. Sean's eyes shown with a rapturous light. He was biting his lower lip. "Sean?" Elijah queried. "What…"

Sean's hands captured Elijah's faced and drew him in for another slow, lingering kiss. When he released Elijah he laughed out loud.

"My god!" Elijah choked, struggling for breath. "You're laughing?"

"Is THAT was I was so afraid of?" Sean asked, grinning. "Elijah!" he cried. "Oh my god, Elijah!"

Elijah laughed out loud. "What! Tell me! Jesus, you're a crazy person! What!"

Sean grabbed him and hugged him tight. He pressed his mouth to Elijah's ear and took a deep breath. "I'm happy," he whispered in wonder. "I've never felt this kind of joy before. Except…" he leaned back and looked at Elijah. "Except maybe when the girls were born."

"I'm totally happy to take a back seat to the girls," Elijah grinned, his arms around Sean's neck. "Would you mind telling me though, what exactly is happening here? Is this a prelude to us being lovers? Is this a beginning? An end? What's going on?"

Sean shrugged happily. "I dunno. Hell, took me four years to get this far!" He peered into Elijah's eyes. "But.. do you suppose I could have another kiss?"

Elijah laughed, softly. "Greedy bastard, aren’t you!"

"Hey, It's research!" Sean protested, locking both arms around Elijah's waist. "You know… so I can answer your questions." He drew Elijah close. "I'm happy, Lij" Sean murmured. "I'm just so happy."

"Well, god knows, I'm glad to hear it," Elijah said. "Jesus, I can hardly believe it though, Sean. I expected a lot of reactions from you if this ever happened… but not this one."

Sean's lips moved slowly up the long slope of Elijah's throat, smiling as Elijah gasped, overwhelmed by the joy he felt. "Mmmm... Lijah, my Lijah," he crooned softly. "You think you're surprised!" He let his tongue skim gently over pale, firm skin… then whispered against it: 'You ought to be inside MY skin!"

Elijah pushed him back gently. "Sean, what IS this? What's happening here? Where is this going?"

Sean pulled Elijah back against his body. "My god, you feel so GOOD!" He quickly pulled Elijah down until they were lying side-by-side on the couch. "Where's it going?" he echoed, leaning back to look into Elijah's eyes. "I told you. I don't know."

Elijah opened his mouth to speak.

"Shhhh," Sean whispered. "Hush. Just hush for a second. Don't talk. Just let me hold you."

He pulled Elijah's body tight against his, touching down their entire length. "Oh god, Elijah, nothing ever felt this good before. Nothing. No one. Not ever. I didn't know anything COULD feel this good." He pressed his face against Elijah's throat in amazement feeling a rapture that was nearly mindless.

He kissed Elijah's cheek. "I'm sorry, baby," he murmured. "I didn't mean to cut you off. I just needed to feel this. I just needed to hold you. I didn't know how much I needed it 'til I felt you this close to me."

Elijah nodded. "I know."

"Can we just… lie here?" Sean asked. "Can we just be here together? Just… do this? Just let me hold you?"

Elijah nodded.

"And then," Sean continued. "In an hour or so, ask me again where it's going? Maybe by then I'll be more coherent."

Elijah laughed softly against Sean's shirt. "Coherent’s never been your strong suit, but…” he pretended to ponder. “… you’ve got a deal."

Sean looked down at his face. "So beautiful," he breathed. "Now I know what Sam meant."

Elijah smiled and stroked Sean's hair. "What? What are you talking about?"

Sean's eyes were soft, and filled with love. "Sam was watching Frodo sleep when they stopped to eat the stewed rabbits. He was thinking how beautiful Frodo was… how he had a light that glowed from the inside out. He'd seen the light when Frodo was asleep and recovering in Rivendell. He could see it again now. And he said: "I love him. He's like that and sometimes it shines through. But I love him whether or no."

His hand cupped Elijah's face and he leaned closer. "He saw Frodo's spirit. Just like I see yours."

Elijah's chest was too tight with feeling to permit words. He hoped that his echoing touch down Sean's cheek spoke of his love and joy. He hoped Sean understood.

Sean's head bent lower, and his lips pressed softly against Elijah's once again. "Breathe," he whispered. "Breathe, Elijah. Please."

Elijah drew in a long, shaky breath, then exhaled slowly. He felt Sean inhale at the same time, taking Elijah's breath into his body, and Elijah's eyes burned with sudden tears. He felt the touch of Sean's lips on his. The most gentle touch Elijah had ever known. And yet, it conveyed so much hunger that Elijah gasped, his body aching.

"Sean," he whimpered. "Stop. Please. We need time to think and I can't think when we're like this."

Sean nodded and pressed his lips against Elijah's shirt, moaning softly. "I don't want to think… but I will if you say we need to." He gathered Elijah closer, pressing their bodies tight together. His eyes slowly closed. Elijah’s nearness was overwhelming. Sean was drowning. Suffocating. He hadn’t known that joy like this was possible for him, and his voice trembled with emotion. "Let me have this. I don’t really care if this is all I ever have. Just don’t take this away from me and I’ll be happy."

Elijah's eyes were bright and his voice cracked when he spoke. "LET you have it?" His hand grasped a handful of Sean's shirt. "You think I don’t want this as much as you do?" He gasped suddenly in remembrance. "God! We have a 'thing' tomorrow night don't we!"

Sean kissed his cheek. "Yeah," he murmured. "A screening I think. At… where the hell was it! Lincoln Center, I think."

"Mmmm," Elijah murmured. "Well, once we get there, we should probably make a vow not to look at each other."

Sean giggled. "You're probably right, but frankly, Mr. Frodo, I don't see it happening." He nuzzled Elijah's face. "Makes me happy to look at you. Always has."

Elijah snuggled, against Sean's shoulder. "Well, it's no big deal," he murmured. "I doubt anyone'll notice anything anyway."

Sean nodded agreement, and then giggled. "By the way, thanks for asking the question, Lij. The answer proved to be very enlightening."

Elijah poked his ribs… hard. "No problem, Seanwise. Happy to be of service.” He sighed softly. “Sean, please promise me you’ll lie to Chris.”

Sean was silent for a long moment, his hands moving slowly over Elijah’s back. Then he took a deep breath. “Lij, I can’t promise you that. What I can and do promise you is that I’ll be the kind of person your mom wanted you to love. One with integrity. And no matter where that leads us, I won’t falter.”

Elijah nodded. “That’s what I was afraid of.” He looked up into Sean’s eyes. “But it’s also exactly what I expected.”


	2. Confessions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything has changed, and now Sean is faced with some heartbreaking choices. This part was co-authored with Princess of Geeks.

Sean walked into the kitchen, his car keys in his hand. He heard laughter, and he followed the sound into their office. Chris was standing in front of the filing cabinet, the phone squeezed between her shoulder and her cheek. She bent over and opened another window on the spreadsheet program that she had up on the computer screen.

“I’ll tell him, Jerry. Thanks again. Bye now.”

She hung up the phone and sat down, reached for the mouse. Sean knew without thinking about it that it was the budget for his Lord of the Rings book project. Even from across the room, the look of the layout Chris had opened was so familiar to him. They had created it together, had worked on all of it together. He inhaled, but he held the sigh in his chest. He walked silently across the rooms thick carpet and put his hands on her shoulders. She jumped as she looked up.

"Baby, I didn’t hear you come in.”

“You were on the phone,” he said, bending down for a kiss.

She smiled and turned back to the screen and started telling him the news from his publisher. He stood there listening, his hands on her shoulders.

“So, to make a long story short, he does think there’s a good chance of a paperback deal, but they just want to wait a couple more weeks until the final sales figures come in from December.” She finished updating the projections as she spoke, then saved her work and put her hands over his, standing and turning around without letting go.

“But tell me about your meeting. Let’s have a glass of wine. The workday is officially over now you’re home, right?”

She smiled again and he managed to smile back. He followed her into the kitchen.

“Where are the kids?” he said.

“This was the weekend my mom wanted to take them to see Pat, remember?”

“Oh, that’s right.” He shook his head. How could he have gotten that confused. But it explained why he had had the nagging certainty since about lunch time that he would tell her tonight, that the time was right, that he should speak. That he must speak. He had been rehearsing lines in the car and trying to control his intense dread.

They poured wine, moved into the sun room, exchanged the updates about his day, his business, her plans. She was starting to talk about what to do for dinner.

“Chris.”

Something in his voice made her pause and frown at him. He waited, not knowing, despite his rehearsing, quite how to start. He was conscious of what he would destroy, regardless of how she reacted. He had to do it. He had to start this even if it meant ruining his life. Elijah’s face came into his mind, vividly, suddenly, and he closed his eyes and exhaled. Integrity. Chris’ frown had faded, and expectancy had joined it on her face. Her eyebrows came up just a little. He tried to rein in his quick mind from creating the shot list of what would happen to her face as she heard what he was about to tell her. He focused on how the sofa arm felt under his fingers, how the red wine was pungent in his nose, how the sunlight was falling through the slats of the blinds. He would remember the sunlight, he thought.

“Chris, I have to talk to you about Elijah.”

“Elijah? Has something happened to him?”

“Well, yes and no.”

“What?”

He took a deep breath. “Chris, this is going to hurt you and I know it and I hate it. But just to get right to the point, I’ve fallen in love with Elijah and when I was in New York with him last week I realized I couldn't go on without telling you.”

Her eyes got wide and she got up and walked over to the doors that led to the pool. She stood there, looking out.

Sean forced himself to continue. “I seem to be totally incapable of lying about this, but maybe that would have been better.”

He saw her back rising and falling quickly, but he knew better than to get up and go over there. He wet his dry mouth with the fragrant wine and waited. He hoped this would be marginally easier than dreading it for a week had been.

“So what are you going to do now, Sean?”

She hadn’t turned around. Her voice was steady but he could hear the tightness in it.

“I don’t quite know. I just know I can’t lie to either of you, or to myself.”

“Well, I can’t really help you decide what to do. And it’s pretty shitty of you to try to get me to brainstorm this one with you, too.”

Yeah, she would be angry first. That’s what he had guessed when he had thought this through on the plane.

“Chris, I am not asking that. Of course that would be unfair. The shittiest thing of it is that the whole damn thing is unfair. It’s just unfair.”

She turned around. “Tell me about it,” she said dryly. She took a swallow of wine and looked at him. He met her eyes steadily. It was the least he could do.

She said, “I knew from the beginning you were crazy about him, but what does Mac call it? A straight crush? That’s what I thought it was. That’s all I thought it was. I thought the movie had made him your new best friend.” She shook her head, looked thoughtful. He supposed she was remembering.

He just sat there, knowing she would parse it all through, fit in the new data, adjust her version of reality. The emotional reaction would come later; maybe not even today. That was the way she was. He waited. He felt the tears gathering in his throat and just sat there with the lump, watching her.

When her eyes met his, he knew she was current again. So he had to tell her what was next.

He said, “I’m not presenting you with some grand plan. This may sound crazy to you, but I don’t even feel like I want a divorce. I don’t know what I want, exactly, but I do know that I had to tell you.”

“You had to confess,” she said bitterly. “You had to give me the chance to be the fucking grownup.”

He closed his eyes against the sting of truth in her words. When he opened them she had turned back to the view of the lawn and the pool and the lush beautiful things that his movies had bought them. He sat there, ready to absorb whatever she had to throw at him next. He deserved it.

Chris said, “Dammit, we had sex that night you came back. Are you putting me at risk for something? Elijah’s actually gay and not just with you, either -- he’s got to be. What were you thinking?”

She turned and stared at him. She was really upset now.

“Chris, we didn’t do anything in New York that would have put you at risk. I promise you that. We haven't slept together.”

She sighed and turned her back again. Her shoulders sagged.

After a minute, she said, “Leave me alone for a while, Sean. I have to think. I have to figure out how I feel about this.”

He got up, but she turned around and said, “Wait a minute. I’m assuming that you told me this mostly because you’re not going to stop it. There would be no reason for you to tell me unless you were planning on doing something. Like ... leaving.”

“Chris, I don’t even know that, really, but I guess, yeah.” He looked down. He had to admit, faced with her and this betrayal that he would, in some ways, never be able to forgive himself for, that there was no way he was going to give up what he had found with Elijah. He didn’t know much about what he wanted at this point, but he found, up against the broken glass of his marriage, that he could not now imagine living without Elijah. He asked himself, again, if he could imagine living without her, and he did not have an answer. He wondered what was wrong with him that he felt only confusion about his wife of thirteen years and only clarity about Elijah Wood.

She said, “You’re going to keep on doing, whatever this is you’ve got with him, no matter what I say.”

He sighed again. This was NOT easier than dreading it. “I am going to try to be totally and completely clear. I am not standing here confessing to something that I have conceptualized as a meaningless crush on a co-star. That is not what I am telling you. The full picture of what I AM telling you... I don’t know what that is, and if I had waited until I knew what it was to tell you about it... I don’t think I could have made myself wait very much longer to tell you about last week. I couldn’t not admit how I feel about him, apparently, and I couldn’t not tell you.”

“Jesus,” she said, turning back to the window. “Figure out what you want, Sean. Ask me for something more than just to accept that my husband is ... is suddenly bisexual and in love with a college kid! Leave me alone, OK?”

He did as she asked. As he entered the hall he could hear her start crying. She shouted at him, “Yeah, and fucking go ahead and call him and tell him I know! I know you will! So go outside and get out your cell and... call... him.” She trailed off into sobs. He put his hand on the wall to steady himself and kept walking. He put his wine on the piano and went outside.

Elijah's cell was number 4 on his speed dial.

"Seanie!"

"Hey, you. Where are you? Can you talk?"

"What is it?" Elijah, of course, heard the pain and fear in his voice immediately.

"Can you talk?"

"Yeah, I'm home. There's no one here."

"Wish I was there, too."

"Baby, what is it?"

"I just talked to Chris."

"Where are YOU?"

"Front yard."

"Are you all right?"

"Yeah. It was ... hard. It was a relief, though."

"Sean."

"Nothing is settled. She was quite upset. I'll keep you posted, OK? But this was right, to do this."

"I love you so much. You have no idea how I've worried about this. In some ways I really wish I had never started this, never pushed you to this."

"No, baby, no. It's so right. You didn't push me to anything. I have to do this. It's time."

Elijah was silent, and they listened to each other on the open line for a few minutes, just waiting. Comforted by the connection.

Elijah said, "I wish you were here right now."

"Me, too. Bye now, baby. I love you."

"I love you, too."

***

Sean spent the first of what would be many nights in the guest room of the their home. With the girls gone for the weekend, the house was very quiet. He stayed up too late surfing channels and wished he were the kind of person who could drink himself to sleep. The dog padded, confused, between Sean's room and the master suite. Chris found him the next morning, drinking coffee by the pool, trying to think.

"I want to make sure I have something straight here," she said, standing there in her bathrobe with her arms crossed.

"Okay," he said carefully.

"You just figured this out, about Elijah, and you haven't slept with him or anything, and you still need to tell me this?"

"That's right."

She stared at him. "What do you want, Sean? What are you doing?"

"I don't know what I'm doing, Chris. But I know..." He took a deep breath. "I know things have to change. I know Elijah has become more important to me than I ever thought possible. I'm sorry."

She stared at him, and he watched the tears fill her eyes.

***

“Hey,” Elijah breathed into the phone.

“Jesus,” Sean half moaned. “You say one word and my stomach takes a nose dive.”

Elijah laughed softly, and Sean could see him, sprawled on his back, shoes off, an ankle resting against one knee, showing just a bit of tongue when he laughed as he always did.

“It does, huh,” Elijah murmured. “That’s sweet, Sean.”

“What the hell is happening to me? I didn’t USED to feel like this when we talked on the phone? Now… I hear your voice and I’m like a 12-year-old girl. Stomach full of butterflies.”

“You complaining? I think that’s a wonderful part of being in love. Those butterflies.”

“You get them too?”

“Well, of course I do!”

“When I call you? When you hear my voice? Really?”

“When I hear your voice. When I see your name on my caller ID. When I think about you sometimes.”

Sean was silent.

“And I’m not like a 12- year-old girl.”

“Elijah, I know that. I just meant…”

“I know what you meant. I’m teasing you.”

Sean sighed.

“So, how was your day?” Elijah queried.

“So-so.”

“Where are you now?”

“On the veranda.”

“Where’s Chris?”

“Upstairs, in what has now become HER room.”

“Can’t say I’m sorry to hear it. So you’ve been banished to the den?”

“I’ve been banished. I don’t think she much cares where I park myself. Actually, I’ve been sleeping in the spare room.”

“Have you two talked?”

“Not since the last time I talked to you.” Sean hesitated. “Oh, we say: ‘Excuse me’. We say: ‘Ally has the dentist. Can you take her?’ We say: ‘I’m going to a meeting.’ But talk? Really talk? No.”

“So nothing’s new. Nothing’s been decided.”

“No. Nothing’s new. Nothing’s been decided.”

Elijah sighed, and Sean knew he was fidgeting nervously, trying to conceal his annoyance.

“Lij, I’m sorry. I - I just can’t make this happen any faster.”

“Sean, stop. I’m not asking you to.”

“She knows, Lij. She knows now. She’s coming to it a little at a time. I could leave today if I really wanted to. But I don’t.”

“Oh?”

Sean sighed. They’d had this same conversation in varying forms at least 10 times since he’d returned from New York, and the thought of having it again sent ice-water cascading into his stomach, chasing away any suggestion of butterflies… leaving him feeling empty. Suddenly he wanted nothing more than to lie down somewhere… anywhere there was a flat surface and a dark, dark room… and sleep. He wanted to close his eyes and sink into oblivion.

“Lij…,”

“Never mind, Sean,” he said quietly. “I know.”

“DO you?” Sean queried.

His voice grated into Elijah’s ear, and he knew instantly that Sean was on a ragged edge. His heart expanded with love and pity. “Seanie,” Elijah breathed. “I do know. I’m sorry.”

He could hear Sean breathing into the phone and fell silent. Waiting. Elijah had seen this routine a thousand times. Slow, deep breaths; eyes closed; relaxing on the exhale.

Finally… “I’m sorry too, Lij, truly I am. This is all so damned nuts. Half the time I wish we had just... I mean I really wish we were already…,” He sighed in frustration. “Oh, fuck it! You know what I wish!”

“That we were already lovers so you wouldn’t be thinking about it quite so much?”

Silence.

“Sean?”

“Hang on,” Sean bit off.

His hand moved to cover the phone, but not quickly enough to block Chris’ voice, muffled in the background: ‘… if HE can spare you.. ‘ then silence as Sean hit mute.

Elijah sighed and waited. He didn’t blame her. God knew, he’d feel exactly the same if things were reversed. In fact he doubted he’d demonstrate as much grace under pressure as Chris was managing.

Then, suddenly, Sean was back. “Lij? Gotta go.”

“I know. I heard.”

A whispered: “I’m sorry. God, I’m so sorry...” grated into Elijah’s ear, and Sean was gone. As he hung up, too, Elijah wondered just who Sean had been talking to.

The phone was all they had, and they clung to it like a lifeline. Daily calls were their only contact, and even that was occasionally denied them. Elijah, of course, rarely called Sean unless specifically instructed to do so. He didn’t want to make a bad situation worse, and was fearful he’d call while Chris was around. Sean wouldn’t taunt Chris by calling Elijah in front of her, and each day, by the time he was free of his schedule and the demands of his household, Elijah was often unavailable.

Sean walked his fragile emotional tightrope with skill born of his determination to do as little harm as possible. He wanted to leave, but refused to rush things, preferring to inch his way toward the door as Chris became more adjusted to the new reality. If he’d had nothing else to contend with, the fact of his shattered marriage would have left Sean heartbroken. But at the same time he was struggling with his feelings of grief and failure, he was also struggling to understand his burgeoning passion for Elijah.

They hadn’t been together since the night in Elijah’s New York apartment when they had first spoken of their love and longing for each other. Nor had they made love. Both of them preferred to wait until Sean was truly free; they already felt guilty enough. But the waiting was becoming a torment.

***

“Hi,” Sean said.

“Hey… how’s it going?”

“I’m so sorry about yesterday, Lij. She wanted to go over some Lava stuff.”

“Jesus, Sean, it’s ok. God, babe…”

Silence.

Elijah went on, “I know this has to be so hard on you. On both of you, as far as that goes.”

Sean nodded, eyes closed, forgetting that Elijah couldn’t see him. Then he stammered into the phone: “I miss you so much. I - I wish…”

“We were together?” Elijah finished.

A quick intake of breath was Elijah’s only answer. “Yeah, buddy,” Elijah half-whispered. “Me too. I’d give a lot to just … just be the way we were the night we -- the night of Lincoln Center.”

Sean nodded again, feeling his chest tighten. Moments like this always took Sean by surprise. He’d never felt emotions this overwhelming. An entire continent separated them, but eyes closed, phone clutched tight in a sweaty palm, Sean was drowning in Elijah’s nearness. His chest constricted with the need to touch him.

“I need to see you!” Sean blurted.

“Then come here! Fly out tonight!”

Elijah heard a ragged sigh.

“I can’t, Lij.”

“Tell me why. Make me understand.”

“Because if I do… if I see you… if I’m alone with you, nothing on Earth would stop me from…” Sean hesitated, then sighed again. He was embarrassed by the longing in his voice until he heard the smile in Elijah’s.

“Making love to me, Sean? Nothing on Earth would keep you from…”

“Yes. You know that’s what I meant. It’s fucking terrifying.”

“Why?” Elijah queried, his voice genuinely confused. “I don’t get that. Why would that scare you?”

“Jesus, Elijah! Because I’ve never done that before. Because I’m afraid I won’t be… good at it. Good enough at it. Good enough for YOU… ohhh, JESUS! This whole conversation…”

“Drives you nuts?” Elijah giggled. Then quickly: “Sean, stop pulling your hair.”

Sean released the handful of hair he’d been clutching. He slowly lowered the phone from his ear and looked at it quizzically, hearing Elijah’s high pitched giggle floating up to him from the earpiece. He raised it again. “How the hell did you…”

“You ALWAYS do that when you’re stressed out, Sean! You do that: ‘Ohhh, Jesus!’, thing then you pull on your own hair.”

Sean shook his head and laughed. “I had no idea I was so fucking predictable.”

The warmth from Elijah’s smile filled his voice. “You still manage to surprise me, Seanie.”

Sean began to sink toward the couch, legs suddenly hollow and unable to hold him. He collapsed there, eyes closed, and sucked in a quick breath. “I’m glad I can still do that now and then.” He tried to ignore his growing arousal. ‘Jesus!’ Sean thought. ‘I’m fucking losing it.’

“Lij,” he breathed. “Lijah, I want -- to see you…”

“I know what you want,” Elijah told him quietly. “I know exactly what you want, Sean. You want the same thing I want.”

Sean pressed his palm against the aching bulge beneath his zipper and moaned softly.

“Sean, listen to me. You and I will do just fine. We don’t need to dive into bed five minutes after you get here. We didn’t dive into bed the last time we were together, did we? I seem to remember that night as being pretty fucking wonderful.”

“It was, wasn’t it,” Sean agreed. He forced his hand away from his rapidly growing erection. ‘That’s not the way,” he thought. ‘That’s not the part of me that really wants him.’ He said, “Lij?”

“Yeah?”

“You ever … you know … do it yourself?”

“You mean get to thinking of you and go whack off in the bathroom or something?”

“Beautifully put,” Sean said with a grin. “Yeah, that’s what I meant.”

“It’s tempting,” Elijah admitted. “But, no. I haven’t done that. I want to wait ‘til we’re together.”

“God! See? That’s what I mean! We both think about it and it’s all built up in our minds… and what if I’m not as good as you think I’ll be? What if I freeze or something? What if I can’t… figure out how to please you?” His hand reached for his hair again… then he stopped himself, grinning in spite of his turmoil.

“Sean, stop. If you want to know what pleases me, ask me! I have no motivation for keeping it a secret.”

“What pleases you? What pleases you the most?”

“You want to know NOW?”

“Yes. Now.”

“OK, but just out of curiosity… why now? So you can practice?” He giggled.

“No. But… maybe -- like -- read up on it or something.”

Elijah absolutely screamed with laughter. Sean held the phone back from his ear and stared at it a moment before speaking again. “OK. OK. Enough already.” More delighted laughter filled his ear, along with choked off words that sounded like his name. “Elijah… enough. You’re embarrassing me!”

“Oh, god, that’s the best! Oh fuck, Sean! That is just the best ever!” He laughed again. “Jesus, babe. So typical of you. Go read a book and study-up on technique.”

Sean shrugged, then sighed. “Kinda stupid, huh.”

Elijah’s laugher slowed, then stopped. “I laughed because it was just such a ‘Sean’ thing for you to say. But I am completely touched, and a little thrilled, that you said it.”

Sean snorted derisively.

“I am! I love you for being that kind of person. The kind who’d ask what I want … then do everything in your power to make that happen for me.” Silence. Then softly: “Thank you, Sean. Thank you. I truly love you.”

Sean choked. “Lij…,” He tried to speak but could barely take a breath. After a long moment: “God, Lijah. I -- I love you too. So much it hurts.”

Sean heard a deep sigh. “I know it hurts. This whole thing hurts. Jesus, I didn’t think love could be so much like grief!”

“I’m sorry, Elijah. I truly am. I should have kept my mouth shut in New York until after I’d made this move here at home. But… I wasn’t sure… I didn’t know… I didn’t think… you’d want me. I had to be sure you wanted me.”

“Are you sure now?” Elijah asked softly. “God, I hope you are. With all you’re going through, I want you to know that what’s waiting at the end of all this is going to be worth it.”

“It’ll be worth it. You’re worth anything, Lij. Us together is worth anything. If I couldn’t believe that right now… I’d jump off a bridge.”

Elijah heard the cracks in his voice and knew that the hazel eyes he loved were filling with tears. “It’s OK, Seanie. We’re going to be all right. It’s hard because I want so much to be with you. Feel your arms around me again. It’s hard to wait. So hard.”

“Lij…,” Sean whispered brokenly.

“But I know we’ll make it. I know we can do it. Wait it out... Sean? Sean?”

Sean struggled for control. “Yeah, babe.”

“Talk to me about making love to me. Talk to me about how wonderful it’ll be. Please?”

Sean’s eyes slowly closed. His head fell back against the couch and he felt tears streaming out of the corners of his eyes and across his temples, dampening his hair. The breath he drew was harsh and uneven. “It’ll be wonderful, Elijah. It was wonderful just to hold you in my arms. To feel you that close to me.” He swallowed hard. “I can’t imagine what it’ll be like to hold you that way when we’re both -- when we -- I mean when we’re…”

“Naked?” Elijah whispered.

“Yeah,” Sean breathed. “And to kiss you again. I can’t stop thinking about how wonderful that kiss was, Elijah. I’ve never felt that way before. I didn’t know anyone COULD feel that way. If anyone had told me that they DID feel that way… I wouldn’t have believed them. I would’ve thought they were a delusional romantic.”

Elijah smiled. “But you were wrong.”

“I know. I know I was wrong. But I’ve had no touchstone for this, Elijah. Nothing to compare it to. Nothing in my life prepared me for … that one kiss.” He sat in quiet thought for a long moment and Elijah held his tongue, sensing somehow that this was an important revelation for Sean. Finally Sean spoke again, in a voice soft and dark as black velvet: “I didn’t know such feelings existed until I felt them that night with you.”

“Sean. Babe…,”

“And now… I want to feel them again so badly that I could cry.”

“And you will,” Elijah breathed. “Sean, you will. We BOTH will.”

“There are times when I have to force myself not to just walk up to her and say: ‘I’m leaving. I have to go. I have to go NOW!'”

“No, Sean. Don’t. Please. You’d hate yourself for it. And I don’t want our life together to start with you hating yourself. You have to wait ‘til the time is right.”

“Jesus, I don’t know. Will there EVER be a ‘right time’ to do this?”

“You’ll feel it, Sean. You’ll know.”

“Elijah…”

“No. No, Sean. Don’t do this to yourself. You’ll know when the time is right.”

“Will I?”

“Sean, listen to me.”

“I am, Lij. Honest, I am.”

“Sean… I believe in you.”

Sean choked on his words, eyes swimming again. “God, I love you. I love you so much.”

“I love you too. Never stop.”

“It feels like forever.”

“I know, but it’s not. And it won’t be. Arrange a trip somehow. Even one night. I need it. WE need it.”

“I’ll try, babe.” He lifted his head at the sound of a car engine. I better go, love. She just pulled in the driveway.”

“Call tomorrow?”

“Call later tonight if I can manage it. But tomorrow definitely.”

“Bye. Love you, Sean.”

“Same here, Lij. Always.”

Sean hung up the phone and walked toward the door to meet his wife.

***

Sean's days fell into an uncomfortable new pattern. He felt so separated from Chris, even though they still lived in the same house, did the same routine. Sometimes he would watch her as they drove, or cooked dinner, or went to one of the girls' events. He would think, Where have the last thirteen years of my life gone? Who is this person? How could I have married her? What was I doing?

It began to seem incredible to him that he had devoted so much of his life, his self, to her. Because all he could think about was Elijah.

It seemed to Sean that without much discussion, he and Chris had established that the heart of the marriage had stopped beating. What remained was a shell. He felt that he wanted to give her whatever dignity she needed, and that the next step would be up to her. But he was wrong about that. The next step, as it turned out, was up to him.

***

It was late. Sean couldn't sleep, restless thoughts of Elijah -- his skin, his eyes, his scent -- crowding his mind. He HAD been doing some reading, even with Elijah ribbing him about it. And made some judicious use of the internet, too. He had learned alot about how he and Elijah would make love, would please each other. And it seemed totally inevitable and totally right. Lying in the double bed in the guest room, Sean thought how strange it was -- the truth of what he had told Elijah back in January. That he had slipped so easily into accepting that he could love and desire another man like this. Because it was Elijah, it didn't seem hard at all. Much less of a bridge to cross that one would think -- from straight to ... something else. Sean didn't care if he would be called "gay" now, when people found out. He really didn't care. All he cared about was the truth he had finally been forced to uncover: His all consuming love for a certain beautiful man. He did wonder what would have happened if things had been different; if he had not married so young. But he also knew it was pointless to wonder. He and Elijah's age difference meant that Sean had met him precisely as soon as it was possible for them to be together; how Sean's marriage fit into that destiny, Sean had no idea. He felt humbled and saddened at the wasted years, yet it had to have all happened for a reason. The inevitability of his passion for Elijah was the proof of that, he thought. His only hope now was to emerge from this with as little damage to his daughters as possible. It would happen one step at a time. But happen it would. He and Elijah would be together someday. It was just about the only certainty Sean had.

His evening had been full of work-related socializing. He had had no chance to speak to Elijah all day. He finally got up and left the guest room and wandered outside in his boxers and t-shirt. He carried his cell phone with him out of habit; it was never far from him in case Elijah called or he had a chance to call him. Elijah never called, of course, unless it was arranged ahead of time, but Sean could not shake the eager speculation that he might, he might. So just in case, it was good to have the phone in his hand. It made him feel closer to Elijah, somehow, just to hold on to it.

Thoughts of Elijah, as always, made those 12-year-old-girl butterflies jump in his stomach, made him uneasy in a delicious way that felt like stage fright or indigestion. Sean couldn't remember ever feeling so excited and so happy and so scarily thrilled all at once. When he tried to think back to how he and Chris had gotten together, it didn't even compare. Then, there had been a feeling of getting things right, getting things settled. Satisfaction, and accomplishment. This was a soul-electrifying excitement, a kind of sensual, soulful passion that he had never experienced before. As he had told Elijah, he had not known this kind of passion, this kind of peak experience, was real and not the fantasy of romance novelists. The only things that had ever come close were the birth of his children, holding them in his arms for the first time, and a few special and unique times at work when he felt he had stretched his talent and his capacity into something new and challenging and fine. And of course, Elijah was intimately involved in what he thought of as his best work, as well. Elijah was intimately involved in everything now.

He stood by the pool, watching the moonlight shift and dance on the little ripples that the breeze sent across its dark surface. He felt so close to Elijah at that moment that he almost thought that if he turned his head, Lij would be there in the shadows, right there in Sean's yard. Of course that was impossible, but that's how it felt.

His hand pushed across his stomach, eased lower, closed around his erection. It was a poor substitute for comfort, and with no desire for release. Just thinking about Elijah could make him hard. He stood still, his palm pressing into his crotch, swimming in Elijah's presence. His eyes fell shut. It was late in California, even later in New York, but Sean lifted the cell phone in his other hand, and opened his eyes. It would be all right, he knew. He would call, and somehow knew he wouldn't be waking Elijah. He punched the speed dial, and after two rings he heard the only voice in the universe that he wanted to hear.

"I knew it was you," Elijah said.

Sean thrilled all over again at the sound, the excitement he was already feeling boosted several impossible notches more. He took his hand away from his erection and started pacing around the pool. He couldn't keep still and he didn't want to touch himself anymore. He had a bit more of Elijah now and that was all he wanted. He tried to breathe and to calm down.

"Where are you?" Sean said.

"In a taxi. Going home."

"Listen," Sean said, and marveled at himself for saying it. "I don't want to wait any more. I want to come and see you."

"Sean."

"I -- I -- I know it's a big step but I want it. So much."

"You're saying you know what will happen if we are together in the same time zone again."

"Yes. We'll -- I'll.... Oh, Elijah, I can't stand it anymore. I want to be near you, I want to make love to you. I want to hold you and have you and show you how much I love you. I want to feel you, to touch you. All of you."

"Sean." His voice was a ragged whisper.

"Say it's OK. Say I can come."

"You know I want it. So much. But is it all right? I mean..."

"I know. I know. Yes. It'll have to be, won't it?"

They listened to each other breathing, knowing it was a turning point, but knowing somehow that they had taken this turning long ago, that it perhaps was inevitable before Elijah had ever asked Sean about kissing, before they had ever walked the rocks of Mount Ruapehu together. It went back to that day right there in Los Angeles when they had met for the first time. And, Sean thought, if you believed in the eternal existence of souls, maybe even before that.

Elijah said, "Just tell me, baby. I'll meet you wherever you say."

"I'll get the tickets tomorrow, Elijah. I have to come. I have to come to you."

"I'm here, baby. Waiting for you."


	3. Reunion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sean and Christine struggle to come to terms with their shattered marriage. Sean and Elijah are reunited.

_Flight..._

Sean stared. Below him, whitish-grey clouds stretched to the horizon, looking solid enough to walk on. He sighed and pressed his face against the plane’s tiny window. _‘Like so many things_ …,” he thought. _“They look solid, but take one step and feel the ground go right out from under you.’_ The first-class attendant brought him a glass of wine and Sean accepted it gratefully. He lifted the wine-glass to his lips, then noticed that his hand was shaking and set it down.

He turned his face back to the window, struggling for composure. This day was the worst. He’d been in non-stop pain from the moment he realized that he had to tell Chris about his feelings for Elijah. But this day was the worst. The nightmare began before he even got out of bed that morning.

Chris knew he was leaving for New York. She knew he was going to be reunited with Elijah. And she knew that this reunion would almost certainly result in Sean and his young co-star becoming lovers. Before Sean woke up, in a desperate attempt to salvage her marriage, Chris had tip-toed into the guestroom and crawled into bed with him. He awoke to the feeling of her hands on his body.

“Chris! What are you doing?”

“Sean, please! Give me a chance to prove to you that you’re NOT gay! That this is just a phase!”

Sean pushed her hands away. When he spoke his voice was gentle: “Chris, you don’t understand.”

“Sean, we have two little girls? What - what are you going to tell them? That you’re going off to live with Uncle Elijah? That you’re abandoning them… for - for - HIM?”

Sean winced and rolled away from her, turning to sit on the side of the bed. Chris moved to kneel at his feet and with hands outstretched, she appealed to him: “Give us another chance, Sean! Don’t do something you’ll regret for the rest of your life!” She was in tears clutching at his t-shirt, trying to embrace him.

Sean caught her hands. “Chris, don’t! Please! You’ll hate yourself for this. And hate ME.”

“How can you DO this?” she screamed. Her hands gripped his t-shirt, shaking him violently. “How can you DO this?” She collapsed at his feet, dissolving into sobs, moaning. “Please, Sean. I want my life back.”

Sean lifted her gently, rocking her, trying to make soothing sounds while struggling to control his own panic. He’d never seen his strong, dignified wife this emotionally shattered, and as he guided her back to the master bedroom his mind raced fearfully, wondering how he could possibly make her understand what was so painfully clear to him.

He lowered her to the bed and sat beside her, taking her hand in his. “Chris, please listen to me.”

She turned to face him, struggling to compose herself, but still crying. “I’m listening, Sean.”

Sean took a deep breath, knowing that this would be the single hardest thing he’d ever done in his life. “Chris, I can’t stay.”

She covered her face with her hands, and sobs shook her body again. Sean yearned to take her into his arms and comfort her, but he hesitated. In her current emotional state, he was fearful that she might interpret an embrace as reason to hope, and Sean knew that in this situation, there simply WAS no hope.

But this was his wife, whom he still loved. Her pain was still his… just as it had been for thirteen years. He rose and walked to the bathroom, and after wetting a washcloth with cold water, he returned to Chris. Her sobs had stilled. She was wiping her face with a trembling hand and when Sean offered her the cold washcloth she took it gratefully. As she pressed it to her face, there was silence in the room they had shared for so many years.

She lowered the washcloth and looked around her as if confused about where to put it. As Sean sat down beside her he took it and tossed it toward the bathroom. Turning to face her, he took her two hands in his. “Can we talk? Can I try to make you understand?”

Chris shook her head. Her voice was wooden: “It doesn’t matter what you say, Sean. I will NEVER understand how you can do this to us. To me. To the girls. How you can abandon us this way.”

“I am not abandoning you. I will never abandon you. Chris, we’re not just man and wife, we’re FRIENDS! That won’t change. I will always take care of you and the girls. I’ll always be there for you… for THEM!”

Chris looked at him sorrowfully. “You want to THINK that you’ll be there and that the damage done to me and the girls will somehow be manageable. But you won’t be there, Sean. You can’t be with him and with us at the same time. And the damage you’ll do to your family is…,” she gestured wildly with her hands, “… incalculable.”

Sean’s throat tightened painfully. He could feel the sobs building inside him… threatening to burst his chest. She was right, and he knew it. This was abandonment, pure and simple. But to stay was to invite an abandonment even more deadly. Even more destructive. His breath caught, and he felt tears streaming down his face.

“Chris,” he whispered brokenly. “I do love you. As a friend. But if I stayed I’d be abandoning something even more important. Something I can’t turn my back on.”

“HIM?”

“No! NOT him!” Sean replied. “I know you won’t believe this, but if he saw you right now he’d BEG me to stay here. Neither of us want to hurt you.”

Chris surprised him by bursting into laughter. “My god! PLEASE, Sean. Please don’t ask me to thank Elijah for his touching concern.” Pulling her hands out of his, she grabbed two Kleenex. She handed one to Sean and wiped her face with the other. “I’m not prepared to be his good buddy no matter how much concern he may SAY he feels for me and for your daughters.”

“Chris, I’m not asking you to,” Sean said. “I’m simply asking you to understand that what I refuse to abandon is my integrity. I won’t become the kind of man who eventually forgets what it feels like to be an honest person. Lying to you. Lying to him. Sneaking. Cheating.”

His wife stared at him for a long moment. When she finally spoke, her voice was bitter. “Do you honestly believe that leaving your family to begin a gay affair with a man ten years your junior doesn’t compromise your integrity, Sean?”

Sean sighed and wiped the tears from his face. “Yes. I believe that. Because the truth of my heart is that he is the one I want to be with. I’ll be here for the girls. And when you let me… I’ll be here for you too, Chris. But to tell you other than the truth about all of this would be even more damaging than what we’re going through now.”

“Jesus, Sean,” Chris spat. “You’re rationalizing this entire situation in order to justify doing exactly as you damn well please.”

“NO!” Sean cried. He got to his feet and stood before her, his hands outstretched, his voice filled with anguish. “Listen to me! Do you EVER want to trust me again? Do I want your respect, Chris? Do I want my children to respect me? Do I want ELIJAH to respect me and believe what I say to him? EVER?!”

Chris’ eyes filled again. She was devastated, but there was no doubt in her mind that her husband believed every word he was saying.

“I am not rationalizing! I’m taking the harder road because I cherish my relationships with all of you. If I lied.. if I simply cheated with Elijah.. if I snuck behind your back to see him, I’d lose all of you. None of you would truly trust me again. And worst of all, I’d lose myself, Chris. And I’d never, ever find myself again.”

For a long moment there was absolute silence as husband and wife stared into each other’s eyes. Then Chris drew a deep, shaky breath and stood. “You should get ready for your flight.” She touched Sean’s arm lightly. “I’ll make coffee.”

“Chris, you don’t have...,” Sean began. But she lifted her hand to halt his words, and walked from the bedroom.

Sean was still shaken and white-faced when he got to the airport. And now, as he hurtled eastward, fighting off the inevitable claustrophobia that a long plane ride created in him, his conversation with Chris still echoed painfully in his mind and heart.

‘ _Do I really want to do this?_ ’ he wondered. ‘ _Jesus, Elijah’s ten years younger than me. What if it doesn’t work out? What if he gets tired of me?_ ’ He tried to focus on Elijah’s face… on the night they were together… on the taste of his kiss. But all he could remember was his wife of thirteen years, the mother of his two beautiful daughters, crumbled on the floor at his feet moaning: ‘Please, Sean. I want my life back.’

 _‘Oh Jesus!’_ Sean thought, moaning inwardly. _‘Why can’t I feel as sure as I felt before? Where did it go?’_

Agonized by doubts, Sean found himself wishing that the plane ride would go on forever. That he could hang, eternally suspended, between the two worlds that tore at his heart. That this choice, so unbearable in its ramifications no matter which direction he went, would never have to be made.

He felt his cell phone vibrate in his coat pocket, and reached for it. _‘Must’ve forgotten to turn it off,’_ he thought. It was flashing with a text message, and as Sean quickly read it he felt his throat tighten.

 _‘I love you, my Seanwise. Hurry back to me. E.’_

Sean felt tears streaming down his cheeks and quickly swiped them away. He hit the ‘off’ button on his phone, and, once again, turned toward the window.. and the endless clouds.

 _Greeting…_

Sean walked quickly to the door leading outside from baggage claim. His carry-on was all the luggage he had. He pushed through the door and sucked in a lungful of chill New York air, hoping that he could remain anonymous and undiscovered. For once, he wanted no fans around him. _‘Please, god, let him be there,’_ Sean prayed silently.

He looked around quickly and spotted Elijah standing quietly beside the open rear door of a shiny, black limo. He saw Sean, but didn’t move for a moment. He simply stared, as though he wasn’t sure what his next move should be. Then he lifted his hand and waved. Sean walked quickly toward him.

Elijah had climbed back into the limo before Sean reached it. He moved behind the driver and reached for Sean’s bag as he swung it into the car. “Here. Gimme that.” He signaled the driver before tossing Sean’s bag onto the facing seat. Sean plopped down beside him, and as the limo began to move Elijah turned slowly to face him.

“Hi.”

Sean stared into his eyes… mesmerized. He’d spoken about Elijah’s eyes. Spoken about the hours he’d spent staring into their eclipse-like beauty. But somehow all the hundreds of times he’d stared into them faded now and became meaningless. Nothing mattered except this one moment. He saw love and concern expressed there. And he saw, reflected in the fierce light that radiated from them, a belief in Sean that could never be destroyed.

“Sweet Jesus,” Sean breathed. He reached slowly for Elijah and pulled him into his arms with a moan that seemed to come from the depths of his soul. “Lij…,” he moaned again, holding him close, fingers clenching the back of his jacket.

“Sean, what…?” Elijah began, then stopped when Sean shook his head almost violently.

“I can’t talk yet.” He whispered, the pain inside him clawing at his chest, taking his breath. “Please don’t ask.”

Elijah nodded. His arms wound around Sean’s body and locked, pulling Sean tight against his chest. He tried to stay calm. Tried to still his pounding heart. “Shhh, Seanie. It’s OK. We’re together now.”

Sean nodded, the sound of Elijah’s voice seeping through him like an opiate. His fingers slowly unclenched and his head turned. He brushed his lips softly against the hollow under Elijah’s cheekbones. Then he leaned back and stared at his friend.

Elijah’s eyebrows lifted slightly. “Rough flight?” he asked softly.

Sean amazed himself by bursting into laughter. “Jesus, yeah. The roughest. This has been the day from hell.”

Elijah nodded and sighed. He gazed into Sean’s eyes as if assessing him, running his hands up and down Sean’s arms, then he took a deep breath. “Well, hang on to yourself, buddy, because it’s not over yet. While you were in midair… I got a phone call.”

Sean’s eyes widened. “Oh god,” he breathed. “No.”

Elijah nodded. “She begged me, in tears, to let you go, Sean. Went on for some time about how devastating this is going to be for her…,” Elijah’s eyes shown with tears. He tried to speak… but couldn’t, and lowered his head.

Sean gripped his shoulders and after a moment Elijah raised his head. “She talked about…,” he swallowed hard. “The girls, Sean. She talked about…” His voice slid away and he pulled away from Sean to lean his back against the seat and stare at the limo’s ceiling. “Worst fucking phone call I’ve ever gotten in my life.”

Sean stared past him out the limo’s tinted side window, and Elijah watched him, studying the face he loved. He knew Sean was processing what he’d just heard. Struggling for a way to respond to Elijah’s distress, while obviously still dealing with his own. He reached for Sean’s hand. “Hey. Stop thinking about it for a minute.”

Sean turned his head and stared at Elijah. His lips formed the word without saying it. _'How?'_

Elijah sat up and tugged on his hand. “Obviously we need to talk this through. And we will. But let’s get to my place first.” He pulled Sean closer, tugging on his hand until they were huddled together on the limo’s back seat, foreheads touching, hands clasped tightly. “Until then…,” Elijah whispered.

Sean nodded.

 _Home…_

“Toss your bag,” Elijah told Sean, pointing toward the bedroom. “I’ll get us a glass of wine.”

Sean wandered into Elijah’s bedroom, then stood perfectly still in the center of the room, staring at Elijah’s beautiful king sized bed. He finally took a deep breath and tossed his bag onto a chair, then turned again to stare at the bed.

“We don’t have to do anything, you know,” Elijah said from behind him. Sean turned to watch as Elijah walked to him carrying two glasses of deep-maroon Merlot.

“No?” Sean said with a small smile. “After all those sexy, midnight phone conversations?” He took the glass from Elijah and sipped quietly.

Elijah’s eyes over the top of his glass were dark; dark as the wine. And Sean felt his chest slowly tighten as he looked into them. “Yes. Even after all those conversations,” Elijah said. “We’re not on a clock, Sean. I want you to have peace when you’re with me…”

Sean’s eyebrows rose and a small smile crept across his lips. They both laughed at once. “Not THAT kind of peace, fucker!” Elijah countered, grinning. He took Sean’s arm and tugged gently toward the living room. “Let’s go sit. We need to talk.”

As Sean approached the couch he remembered the last time they’d been together in this place. They had lain in each other’s arms all night, talking… kissing… murmuring… discovering things about themselves and each other that neither of them had dreamt were possible… then finally drifted off to sleep just as the morning sun had begun to flow over Elijah’s window sill.

They had awakened a short time before they were due at Lincoln Center, and their final hour here had been a frantic rushing to get ready. A time filled with hastily grabbed kisses, occasional passionate embraces, and gales of laughter as they fought over electric razors, ties, and counter space in the bathroom.

Sean fell onto the couch and drew in a deep breath. “Jesus, I’m glad to be here.”

Elijah sat beside him, leaning over him to set his wineglass on the table. “I’m glad you are too.” He looked up at Sean, and winced at the red, swollen eyes. His voice softened. “So glad, Seanie.”

Sean took Elijah’s hand in his. “So… what did you tell her, Lij?”

“What do you mean?”

“What did you tell her when she begged you to let me go.”

Elijah looked down to where his hand rested in Sean’s. “I really didn’t say much of anything. She did most of the talking. Telling me how much damage I’d be doing to the girls… to her.”

Sean shook his head. “First off, you need to be clear about something. Even if you never wanted to see me again, I would still leave Chris. I realized that on the plane.”

Elijah looked up at him but said nothing.

“I realized it last night, but was too upset to understand what I was feeling. She was kneeling at my feet, crying, sobbing, begging me not to do this to her.”

Elijah winced. “Jesus, Sean! What were we thinking? I plunged into my feelings for you without a thought to who was being hurt by them. God, I’m amazed you don’t hate me!”

“Stop that! You disallowed those feelings for years. Stifled them. Suppressed them. So did I.”

Elijah sighed and reached for his wine.

“And we did think about it. If I recall correctly, that’s why we’re not lovers right this second. Because we wanted to be square with Chris. We didn’t want to sneak… or lie. We were frantic with concern about what she’d do. How she’d feel. And since I told her…, god, Elijah, I’ve never known such pain.” Elijah winced again, but held Sean’s gaze. “But that’s just IT! I felt horrible today. Would have done anything to help ease her pain. It nearly killed me to see her that broken.” Sean drew a deep, shaky breath, his mouth twisting with the need to cry. Then he shook himself hard. “But even in the midst of it, Elijah! Even then! I KNEW I couldn’t stay! I knew it!”

Elijah sat his wine down again and lowered his head into his hands, feeling dizzy with relief. “Jesus, Sean.” Then his head lifted again. “But… what about the girls?” Sean started to speak but Elijah interrupted him. “No! Listen to me. My fucking father left me because he wanted someone other than my mom. He loved me. I know he did. But it wasn’t enough to make him stay, Sean. And I’ve had to live with that all my life.”

Sean reached out and drew Elijah into his arms. He rocked him gently against his body as his hands moved soothingly over Elijah’s back. “Now you listen to ME, baby.. He left your mom, yes. That was his choice and maybe for him, then, it was a right one. But he didn’t have to leave YOU. That was a choice he made too. A rotten choice. A fool’s choice. And that’s the choice you’ve had to live with. Not the fact that he left your mom for someone else.”

Elijah leaned back and looked into Sean’s eyes again. “Sean, you have to promise me that you won’t ever…”

Sean gathered him close again. “Never. Fucking never. God, Elijah, you know I’d never do to my kids what was done to you. I won’t do that. YOU won’t do that!”

He grabbed Elijah’s shoulders and leaned him back to lock their eyes again. “WE won’t do that.”

Elijah’s eyes were bright with tears, but he didn’t cry. He reached for Sean, his hand moving to the back of his head, pulling him slowly forward until their two mouths pressed hard against each other.

Sensation tore through Sean like a riptide and he gasped. His hands grasped Elijah, convulsively pulling him closer. For long minutes they kissed. Slowly… intimately. Sipping each other’s lips, savoring them as they had savored their wine. Sean’s tongue traced the outline of Elijah’s mouth, immersed in the feeling of his lips, a nearly delirious bliss encompassing every molecule in his body. He felt Elijah’s breath against his lips and smiled, remembering his hunger for that breath the first time they kissed.

He thought of the confusion, the uncertainty he’d felt when Chris begged him to stay. And he knew that he would feel no such uncertainty here. He knew this was where he belonged. He knew he had come home.

 _Reunion…_

They leaned back at the same time, both of them still breathless. Elijah tilted his head toward the bedroom, a small smile playing across his lips. Sean glanced in the direction he had indicated and swallowed hard.

“You still nervous?” Elijah asked, his smile broadening.

“Well, yeah. Kinda.” Sean glanced, again, toward the bedroom and cleared his throat, shooting a fake-glare at Elijah when he giggled. “C’mon! No fair giggling, you!” He grabbed at Elijah’s ribs… tickling. “You wanna giggle? I’ll give you giggle, you wanker!”

For a moment they wrestled on the couch, Elijah screaming with laughter while Sean tickled him unmercifully. Then Sean grabbed him in a bear hug and snuggled him tight against his body. “Guess I am nervous. Aren’t you?”

Elijah poked Sean’s ribs, then relaxed against him. “Nope. Not nervous.” He suddenly sat back and turned to face Sean. “Listen! First off, we don’t have to make love if you’re not comfortable with the idea.” Sean shot him a disbelieving look and Elijah giggled again. “OK. OK. You’re good with the idea.”

“Uh… that would be a ‘yes’, Elijah,” Sean responded, shaking his head and laughing softly.

“OK, fine. Second, you’re not going to be all alone in there you know. This isn’t some…,” he groped for an appropriate word, “… performance you’re giving. So your performance anxiety is a waste of time. There’s no grade for this. No reviews. No awards. There’s just us, trying to show how much we love each other.”

Sean stared at him, awestruck. “God, you’re amazing. You always know exactly what to say to find the heart of things.”

Elijah stood up, taking Sean’s hand as he did. “C’mon. Let’s go.”

Sean pulled him back to the couch. “Wait, babe.” Elijah sat back down as Sean sighed. “Couple things I want to tell you first.”

Elijah felt the dull ache of fear twine itself around his stomach. “Is it bad? Is it something… bad?”

“No. No, babe. Not bad. But… I want you to know this stuff… first. OK?”

Elijah nodded. “Tell me. Make it quick. You’ve got me feeling a bit scared.”

Sean interlaced their fingers. “Could you actually believe I’d give you up? Could you believe that?”

“Just tell me, Sean.”

“OK. First… I want to be sure you understand that I’m going back to LA in a day or two. This…,” he gestured with his hand to indicate the apartment, “… us together here… can only last a couple days. Then I have to go back.”

Elijah nodded. “I knew that. I never thought this was a permanent thing, Sean.”

“She needs me,” Sean murmured. “I have to be there for her for a little while yet.”

“I understand.”

Sean smiled at him. “I know you do, baby. Thank god for you.” He leaned in and kissed Elijah tenderly. “OK… one other thing that I thought about on the plane.” He hesitated for a moment, then went on. “I’m moving out of the house fairly soon. I’m getting my own apartment. And…,” he reached up to stroke Elijah’s cheek, “… I’m going to live by myself for awhile.”

Elijah frowned. “Sean, I thought the whole point was for us to be together.”

Sean nodded. “And we will be. But…,” he stopped and his head lowered. Elijah heard his breathing change… become more halting… more tremulous. When his head came up, Elijah could see the tears welling in his eyes.

“Sean…,”

“I’m going through the worst experience of my life. I’ll probably be a basket case more often than not for awhile. There’ll be enough baggage and bullshit for you to deal with when we DO move in together. Let me get through this first, babe.”

Elijah nodded and sighed deeply. “Sean, what the fuck can I say to that? This is your show from start to finish. I have no choice but to follow your lead.”

Sean winced and frowned as if in pain. “I don’t want that either. But…,” he looked at Elijah… searching his expression. “Lij, it’s not just that. It’s also Chris and the girls. I want to show her that you aren’t the only reason I’m doing this. And I want the girls to get used to me having my own place before they have to adjust to you and me as a couple.”

Elijah nodded again. “Sean, you’re making perfect sense. I’m sorry if my heart doesn’t agree with my head about this.” He sighed again and turned to lean back against the couch. His head fell back and he stared at the ceiling. “How will I ever be able to face the girls?”

Sean wheeled and grabbed Elijah’s face in his two hands. He pulled him forward and pressed a kiss hard against his lips. “You’re not listening to me!” he cried, his hands still clasping Elijah’s face. “I’m going whether or not you want me in your life, Elijah. It’s not about you! It’s about ME!”

Elijah leaned forward and pressed his face against Sean’s shoulder and Sean quickly enfolded him in his arms, shaking his head. “You don’t need to feel any guilt when you face the girls,” he murmured. “You may have been a catalyst, Elijah. But you’re not the reason. I need to make Chris understand this too… and I will.”

As he held Elijah close to him, Sean pondered the one reason he hadn’t shared. _‘And if I live by myself for awhile,_ ’ he thought grimly, _‘…you won’t be labeled and judged.’_

“I’ll go along with this under one condition,” Elijah said, finally, raising his head.

“Name it.”

“I want it understood that we will, at least, SEE each other after you move out.”

“Well, that goes without saying, Elwood.”

“Does it? Jesus, Sean. Ever since I asked you that fucking question, NOTHING about all this has gone without saying.”

“You tired of talking?” Sean asked him with a grin.

“Talking makes my dick go soft,” Elijah replied, nuzzling against Sean’s shoulder again.

“OH NO!” Sean moaned, shoving Elijah back. “Can’t have THAT! That’s it. I’m done talking.” He folded his arms across his chest and pressed his lips tight together.

Elijah eyed him skeptically. “I doubt your word on that one, Astin.”

“Wfmmy,” Sean murmured in back of tightly closed lips.

Elijah giggled. “Because you’re NEVER quiet for long. You love talking too much.”

Sean’s mouth fell open in fake astonishment. “I resemble that remark!” he quipped. He grinned at Elijah, amazed that he was able to joke. Amazed that he even felt like it. Elijah grinned back, and Sean felt his love for this open-hearted young man hit him like a physical blow. He was lost in it. Drowning in it. Elijah loved him. Elijah would always be there.

Sean’s smile slowly faded. He rose to his feet and held out his hand. “I’m tired. Let’s go lie down. What do you say, Doodle?”

Elijah yawned, stretching elaborately. “Oh, fuck, yeah. Jesus. Tired.” He whapped his hand into Sean’s and was immediately hauled to his feet, but to Sean’s surprise he kept right on coming… leaping up to wrap his legs around Sean’s waist and both arms around Sean’s neck. “You can’t carry IT, but you can fucking well carry ME!”

Staggering… bumping into furniture.. both of them giggling, Sean carried Elijah into the bedroom and dumped him onto the bed. “Last stop, dude. Everybody off,” he announced, dusting his hands, looking smug. “I believe my work here is done.”

He leaned over Elijah, mugging and pointed both index fingers at his own chest. “Sam Gamgee. Don’t leave home without one.”

Elijah rose to kneel on the bed and began stripping Sean’s jacket off. “Wouldn’t dream of it,” he purred. “Elijah wouldn’t get far without his Sam Gamgee,” he tossed Sean’s jacket and went after his ribs with both hands. “Would he?” he giggled.

Sean grabbed him around the waist and threw them both to the bed, wrestling, grabbing for his tickling fingers. “Aaarruugghhh! Elijah! Stop!”

Elijah stopped tickling. “Why?”

Sean considered this, then gazed at him soberly. “I’ll pee.”

Elijah doubled over laughing. “Well, FUCK THAT!” He pushed Sean to his back and straddled him. “I shall not tickle,” he promised.

“Up to you,” Sean said. “You have been warned.” He mugged again and shrugged, absolving himself of responsibility.

Elijah leaned over him, laughing, and slowly began to unbutton the buttons of his shirt. “Remember that word you’d say now and then when we’d have those sexy phone calls?”

Sean watched Elijah’s fingers as they moved from button to button, fascinated, sure that years from now he’d be able to describe exactly how his fingers manipulated each one. “Word?” Sean asked. “What word?”

Elijah bent over him, hands on either side of his face. “The word. The fucking word, Sean. That word you’d never be able to say. The word that I’d fucking say FOR you, just to hear you start breathing heavy.” He leaned lower, bending toward Sean’s face.

Sean grinned. “Might that word begin with the letter… ‘n’?” Sean queried.

Elijah nodded, brushing his lips across Sean’s. “MMmmm,’ he moaned softly. “Yeees. It might at that.”

Sean caught Elijah’s shirt in both hands, pulling him close. “Could it be… naked,” he whispered against Elijah’s ear?

Elijah stretched out on top of Sean, their bodies touching from toes to chest. Sean’s arms locked around his back, pressing him even harder against his body. He could feel Elijah’s arousal pressing against his own, hard and throbbing. He examined his own response, searching for signs of reluctance or squeamishness, and found none. Elijah’s face rested against his shoulder, his breath warm on Sean’s neck. And all that Sean could feel was a passionate desire to remember this moment for all time. To burn every detail into his memory.

His hands slid under Elijah’s t-shirt, and moved slowly over the smooth, firm skin of his back. “Babe?” he whispered. “Maybe we have… like... too many clothes on?”

Elijah leaned up on his palms and grinned into Sean’s face. “Gee, ya think?” He rolled off the bed and began to casually undress. Sean watched him, absolutely unable to turn his head away as Elijah tossed articles of clothing here and there, following no pattern that Sean could discern. The pale perfection of his body took Sean’s breath. Enraptured, he wondered why he’d never noticed how Elijah’s ivory skin set off the delicate, blue veins criss-crossing his chest. Why he’d never noticed the powerful muscles in Elijah’s arms and the perfect shape of his hands. He stared at the long slope of Elijah’s  
throat and felt his mouth actually water to press his mouth to that pristine skin.

He sat up, feeling slightly dazed and more than a little confused. Nothing he’d read on the Internet or in ‘New Joy of Gay Sex’ had prepared him for the onslaught of feelings that stormed through him as he gazed at Elijah’s naked body. He pressed his fingertips against his face, feeling dizzy. Elijah was at his side in an instant.

“Sean? You OK?”

Sean nodded and laughed softly. “Yeah,” he half-whispered, reaching to caress Elijah’s cheek. “I’m fine. I’m just… nervous.”

Elijah nodded and pulled the covers down. “Get undressed, Irish.” He slipped under the covers and scooted to the far side of the bed. Sean stripped his clothes off, and with eyes closed, crawled into bed beside Elijah. He buried his face in the pillow, pulled a blanket almost over his head, and took a deep breath. Elijah was on his side, covered with a sheet, leaning on an elbow to look down at Sean. “Seanie, you’re gonna be here a couple days… right?”

Sean peeked up at him from behind the blanket and nodded. “You look nine years old!” Elijah told him, laughing. He scooted lower in the bed and leaned in to kiss Sean’s upper arm. When he spoke, his voice was low. His long fingers moved slowly, stroking Sean’s arm down to his palm, watching as goose bumps spread over his skin. “Listen, buddy,” Elijah murmured, moving his fingertips in a slow circle on Sean’s palm. “You’re tired and you’ve had a very rough day. We’re not in a rush here. Let’s just go to sleep.”

Sean pushed the blanket from his face, scooped Elijah up with one motion of his arm, and pulled him tight against his body. They both gasped as skin slid sensuously against skin. “Oh my fucking god, you have GOT to be kidding,” Sean whispered hoarsely.

Elijah laughed weakly and pressed his face against Sean’s throat. “Jesus, Sean,” he whispered, “… you feel so fucking good.”

Sean struggled to breathe. “Lijah,” he whispered softly. “Lijah…” The feeling of Elijah’s naked body against his had him teetering on the brink of release in an instant. He’d never felt desire this powerful… this immediate. He felt helpless, and hoped for a fleeting instant that Elijah would be able to slow things down. Then he heard Elijah gasping for breath, nearly panting, moaning mindlessly as he undulated his body against Sean’s… and he knew he was a goner.

“Lijah?” he gasped. “Baby? Slow?”

Elijah’s lips moved up Sean’s throat, licking wet circles there, moving slowly higher, laughing softly as his tongue encountered the stubble of Sean’s 5-oclock shadow, nibbling his jaw-line. He drew in a deep breath and pressed his mouth to Sean’s ear and growled: “Fuck slow!”

Sean’s laugh was almost a sob. “Oh, god, Lij,” he moaned, opening his legs to let Elijah lie between them, lifting his knees and bracing his feet against the bed to better arch his hips upward against the body that writhed on top of his.

“Fuck slow,” Elijah growled again. “I’ve been waiting for five fucking years for this. How much slower can it get?” He crushed his mouth to Sean’s, kissing him again and again, gasping between kisses, clutching his hair.

Sean whimpered. His hands moved to grasp Elijah’s rounded buttocks, pushing down hard as his hips rose, feeling their cocks rubbing against each other’s bodies. Elijah’s lips on his were hot, and wet. His tongue slid against Sean’s touching teasingly, then moving away. Sean moaned and convulsively gasped, and Elijah’s tongue returned. Sean sucked it gently, drowning in bliss.

Elijah’s head suddenly snapped back, and the blue eyes locked with Sean’s. “Oh my god,” he whispered. “Seanie…” he whispered. His voice was amazed… unbelieving. Sean wondered for a split second what was wrong before he realized that nothing was wrong. That everything was incredibly right. Elijah’s face twisted with anguished passion. He shook his head hard feathering sweat across Sean’s face, then fell against Sean’s neck with a keening cry, his body shaking violently in release.

Sean tried to hang on. Tried to make it last, but Elijah’s cry, and the feeling of his naked body quaking against Sean’s skin was too much to bear. A wild wave of pleasure took his breath and he gasped, arms locked tight around Elijah, losing himself in the final moment of ecstasy.

For a long time the only sound in the room was the harsh rush of their breath. Elijah’s face was pressed to Sean’s throat. His body moved slightly, as though nestling closer. Sean couldn’t stop running his hands over Elijah’s body. He’d never touched Elijah this way before, and the sensation was overpowering.

“Lij,” Sean whispered finally. “You OK, babe?”

“I couldn’t stop,” Elijah murmured. “Couldn’t even slow down. I’m sorry. Seanie.”

“Jesus!” Sean laughed. “For what? Taking me to heaven?” He ran his hands over Elijah’s body again, down his back, over his rounded buttocks, down his thighs, then slowly back. “Oh, god, I love touching you!”

He skated his fingernails gently down Elijah’s sides, and smiled when he heard Elijah gasp with pleasure. Joy was a luminous light inside him, bursting his chest, scalding his eyes. He’d never felt this close to another human being, and he couldn’t imagine them ever being further apart than they were right this second. The thought was insupportable.

“Oh god, Lij,” he whispered hoarsely. “Don’t go away. Don’t ever go away. I couldn’t bear it.”

Sean felt Elijah’s head shaking. When he spoke, his voice was low and dreamy: “From here, buddy, you have to be the one to go away, not me. I’m not going anywhere.”

Sean’s arms locked even tighter around him as he nodded. “I know. I know. I’m sorry. I just… can’t bear the thought of… I mean I can’t stand to think…”

Elijah lifted his head and kissed Sean’s cheek. “I know.”

Sean’s arms tightened convulsively around Elijah’s body. He knew his fingers were leaving bruises, but couldn’t stop himself. “God,” he breathed, “… I can’t get close enough to you.”

Elijah braced his hands against the bed, and leaned back from Sean’s embrace. “Yes you can,” he murmured. His eyes burned into Sean’s… taking his breath.

Sean’s voice grated, his fingers gently clawed at Elijah’s arm. “How?”

Elijah stretched his body to the side of the bed, fumbling for something that Sean couldn’t see. In an instant he was back and holding a small bottle up in front of Sean’s eyes. “Like this,” Elijah whispered.

Sean stared at the lube, then his eyes flickered to Elijah’s, and back to the lube again. “Do you mean – I mean – do you want to – want me to… Oh god, Elijah, I can’t say it!”

Elijah lowered his head and pressed his mouth to Sean’s ear. “I want you inside me,” he growled. “I want you to be part of me. That’s as close as it gets Seanie. We’ll be one.”

Sean swallowed hard. “But… but, Lij, I’m – I’m – you know…,” he struggled to find the right word.

“Big?” Elijah offered, grinning at him.

Sean rolled his eyes. “Right,” he said, blushing. “And you’re – you know… tiny. You’re like a sparrow. I’d hurt you. I’m afraid I’d hurt you.” Elijah smiled down at him, his face glowing, and Sean thought that he’d never seen anything quite so beautiful.

“Listen, you,” Elijah said. “What did you learn when you… uh… ‘boned-up’ about all this… uh… so to speak? Didn’t you read that size doesn’t matter if you’re slow and careful?”

Sean nodded.

“Well then?”

Sean took a deep breath. “OK,” he croaked. He was already hard and throbbing. Elijah’s naked body pressed against his had him clawing the sheets and whimpering. “Lijah. Lijah,” he whispered hoarsely. “Help me so I don’t hurt you, baby. Please.”

Elijah rolled to his back, pulling Sean to him. But Sean resisted. “Not yet,” he murmured. He lay by Elijah’s side, and for a long, long time he caressed Elijah’s body with trembling fingertips. He wanted Elijah. He’d never wanted anything quite so much in his life. But he couldn’t take him yet. He couldn’t claim him that way. Not until he’d claimed him this way. To touch him with gentle fingers. To live the dream he’d conjured up on so many lonely nights when Elijah was an unspoken hope that beat hollowly against his chest. To see his body writhe with agonized desire as Sean’s fingers caressed his naked flesh. Sean’s heart pounded and breathing became difficult, but still he touched Elijah… softly.. gently… and, bending his head, he kissed Elijah’s body, joining lips and tongue to softly caressing fingers, until Elijah’s cries implored him to please, now… come… take… take…

“Take me!” Elijah cried, pulling on Sean’s arm. “Now, Seanie! God! Do it now! I can’t take anymore!”

Sean grabbed the bottle of lubricant and quickly drenched both of them in the slippery liquid. He looked up at Elijah as he guided himself to the opening of Elijah's body. “Swear to me…” he whispered. “Swear you’ll stop me if I hurt you.”

Elijah nodded, whimpering, and pulled on Sean’s arms. ‘Hurry! Sean… please just… hurry.”

Sean leaned on one elbow, and pressed hard. He gasped as desire coursed through him and eased himself slowly inside Elijah’s body. “Oh god,” Sean gasped. “Oh, god.” Beneath him, Elijah arched upward, accepting that much more of Sean’s cock.

Sean’s eyes closed. Elijah’s body was a heated core, clenching around his swollen erection, leaving him dizzy with sensation. He fell forward slightly, merging slowly, and with infinite tenderness, with the slight body that writhed beneath him. Sean fought with himself, forcing his body to move carefully, torn between desperate desire and desperate fear of harming Elijah.

He pushed harder, deeper.. and Elijah moved to accept him. The pleasure was the hottest, sweetest fire Sean had ever felt. He opened his eyes and looked down at his young lover. “Elijah,” he whispered.

Elijah swallowed and sucked in a quick breath. Then the eyes opened and gazed up at Sean. “Seanie?”

Sean bent closer and nudged himself another inch deeper in Elijah’s body. “Listen to me,” he breathed. “Hear me.” He grasped Elijah’s hands, lacing their fingers together as he bent over his body. “I love you more than I ever dreamed I could love anyone.”

Elijah smiled. His hands tightened on Sean’s and he jerked his head, silently asking Sean to lean closer. When his mouth was nearly against Sean’s ear, Elijah whispered hoarsely: ‘Show me! Show me, Sean! I want to feel it! I want to feel it all! Every bit of love. Every bit of need. Every bit of want! I want it all! Show me, Sean. Show m…”

Sean stopped his mouth with a savage kiss, his tongue sliding over Elijah’s, wishing with all his soul that he could absorb Elijah into his body, merge with his very being, never be apart again. He pressed harder… buried, now, deep inside his lover. Sweat from his face dripped onto Elijah’s chest. Their laced hands were slippery with lubricant and sweat.

For a few moments Sean surrendered to the passion, withdrawing slightly then driving his hardness into Elijah… his thighs slapping wetly against Elijah’s body. Sean looked up, gasping, moaning, hoping to god that Elijah showed no sign of pain.

He was writhing underneath Sean, knees bent to allow him deeper access. His face was a mask of passion, eyes dark with it, body shaking with it. “Do it!” he cried. “Sean, do it! Do it! Fuck me hard! I want to feel it all!”

Clenching his teeth, Sean thrust deep, filling Elijah… then withdrew slightly and plunged deeply again, and again. Together they found a sensual rhythm that drove their desire higher with every movement. Elijah arched upwards to take all of him, shivering beneath Sean with sharp cries of pleasure as the powerful thrust of Sean’s hips stroked his prostate.

For Sean, the rapture was intoxicating, but nearly overshadowed by the intense feelings of love that suffused his entire being. A single thought echoed in his mind again and again, drowning out every other thought… _‘We’re one. We’re one.’_ And that one thought was enough to bring Sean to the edge of tears.

He felt Elijah pull his hand free, then reach between them to grasp his own cock. Sean quickly covered Elijah’s hand with his own as Elijah climaxed, spilling himself into their hands, crying Sean’s name again and again.

The sound of his cries convulsed Sean’s body in the longest, hottest release of his life. He whimpered in ecstasy, pulsating within Elijah’s body, and buried his face against Elijah’s neck, nearly sobbing. “We’re one,” he choked out. “We’re one. Oh, Elijah, I love you.”

Elijah’s arms swept around his neck, holding him close. “I know, Sean. I love you too.”

Sean kissed Elijah’s neck and throat, licking the sweat from his skin, murmuring of his love while his heartbeat slowed. His arms wound around Elijah’s body and pulled him closer… tighter… thinking that nothing could ever bring him near enough.

For a long time they silently held each other. Sean felt an utter and complete contentment fill his soul. A peace he’d never experienced before. He felt himself drifting toward sleep, still buried inside Elijah’s body, and lifted his head. “Babe? I’m too heavy. I should move.”

Elijah shook his head. “No. Not yet, Seanie.” His arms tightened around Sean’s neck. “I don’t want it to end.”

Sean laughed softly. “Not much chance of that.” He eased himself out of Elijah and heard him sigh. “Lij? Did I hurt you?”

Elijah shook his head, and rolled to his side to face Sean. “No. You didn’t.”

“Would you tell me if I had?” Sean enquired, bending to kiss him.

Elijah’s fingers moved slowly through Sean’s hair. “Yes, and I’ll tell you why.” His fingers moved from Sean’s hair and slowly drifted down Sean’s face. “Because if I didn’t and you saw me wince afterward or something… you wouldn’t make love to me that way again.”

His fingers drifted across Sean’s cheek, then circled his lips with a feather-soft touch. Sean’s breath caught in his throat. Elijah’s eyes were dark. His voice was low. And Sean felt as though he’d been caught up in a waking dream, a drugged illusion that had captured his very soul. “Elijah…” he breathed.

“And believe me,” Elijah continued. “Believe me. Sean…,” His arm went around Sean’s neck and pulled him close. His mouth pressed against Sean’s ear… murmuring in that same low voice… ‘I want you to make love to me like that again… and again… and again.”

Sean caught him close, crushing their bodies together. “Oh, Lij,” he murmured. He rocked their bodies together for a long time, longing to absorb Elijah’s essence into his very cells. Then he felt Elijah squirm, and leaned back from their embrace. “You want me to let you go?”

“Never,” Elijah said firmly. “It’s just that.. I feel… sticky.”

Sean giggled. “I can’t imagine why. Just because we’re covered in sweat, and come, and lube, and probably a little bit of spit to top it off? Why would THAT make you feel sticky?”

Sean pressed a brief kiss to Elijah’s lips, then rolled away from him and got out of bed. “You take a shower while I change the bed. Deal?”

“You don’t want to take a shower with me?”

“I do want to take a shower with you. Tomorrow. Tonight I don’t think I could do it justice. Not after… uh… what we just did. And I’d like our first shower together to be… ermmm… memorable.”

Elijah grinned at him and clambered out of bed. He ran his hand over Sean’s belly and chest, then rubbed his fingers together and winked. “I’ll save you some hot water.” He pointed toward the linen closet. “Sheets are in that cupboard there.” He kissed Sean’s cheek and wandered toward the bathroom.

Sean pulled the soiled sheets from the bed in a semi-stupor. It only took him a second to grab bedding from the cupboard and begin to remake the bed. The clean sheets were cool against his fingers, but he barely noticed what he was doing. His mind was spinning… thoughts reeling through it like whirlwind. _‘We’re lovers!’_ he thought breathlessly. _‘He’s my lover!’_ Then… like the crack of a whip, another thought hit him causing him to stop in mid-motion. _‘I’ve just cheated on my wife.’_

Sean fell into a chair by the side of the bed, refusing to lie down until he’d showered. He ruthlessly examined his feelings, searching for regret or feelings of guilt… and breathed a sigh of relief when these feelings did not emerge. Sadness… yes. In spite of the joy he felt in his reunion with Elijah and the incredible ecstasy of their union, he still felt the sadness of this morning’s events with Chris.

He heard Elijah moving around in the bathroom and turned his head to watch the door, eager to see him emerge. _‘I didn’t know love could be like this,’_ Sean thought. He knew they had a long way to go. He knew that it could be a long time before their life together truly began. But Sean also knew that this was where the passion of his life would be spent.

Elijah smiled as he walked back into the bedroom, and Sean instantly rose and moved to meet him.


	4. Redemption

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The final chapter.. can Sean fight his way past his fears and doubts and finally reach redemption?

Sean woke up with a dawning feeling of confusion. He knew he was somewhere important. He knew he wasn't at home. But…

 _'Where the hell am I?'_ He thought, feeling a moment's panic before… _'Elijah!'_ The single word erupted into his mind, and before his eyes had time to open his hands were reaching… scrabbling along the sheets, searching.

When his lids finally lifted they verified what his hands had already told him. He was in an empty bed and in an empty room. It was still dark. "Elijah?" he whispered softly. Then louder, "Lij?"

Beyond the closed door that led to the living room, Sean heard Elijah. He couldn’t make out the words, but his voice was tinny with anger, and Sean was out of bed and striding toward the door in an instant. Throwing it open, he spotted Elijah standing beside the desk, gripping the phone in his hand and frowning.

"Lij? What's wrong, babe?"

Elijah's face was white as he held the phone out to Sean. "I wanted to let you sleep. Seems your wife had other plans. She's called here three fucking times."

Sean reached slowly for the phone, his heart pounding with fear. A million scenarios flashed through his mind. Deadly ones. All involving his daughters. "What did she say? Is it the girls?"

Elijah shook his head, his face quickly shifting. Anger morphed into love. _'And something else,'_ Sean thought. _‘…pity?’_

"No. No, Sean. The girls are fine. It's just… Chris. When I answer she hangs up with a big SLAM! There's no emergency."

Sean fell to the couch, gripping the phone so hard his knuckles were white. "What time is it?"

Elijah collapsed next to him. "Three A.M." His voice was weary and laced with an undercurrent of disgust.

"Elijah, I'm sorry about this."

Elijah’s head was shaking as he reached to pat Sean's arm, and unexpectedly, Sean thought of last night. That hand on his body. Touching him. Leaving him weak with wanting. "I'm sorry," he whispered.

Elijah rose and walked toward the kitchen. "I'll get us some juice or something. Better call, Sean."

The phone felt heavy in Sean's hand. He stared at it, fighting the impulse to simply throw it to the table and leave it there, off the hook, and drag Elijah back to bed. This was their first night together, and from the back of his mind came the niggling thought that this precious interlude, so longed for by both of them, had somehow been… sullied by Chris's intrusion. An acid curl of resentment twisted his stomach.

He caught his breath, hearing himself and hating what he heard. _'Oh my god!'_ he moaned inwardly. _'What's happened to me? How could Chris **intrude**? I don't even have a right to this night with Elijah and yet I resent her for calling? I'm such a fucking lowlife!'_

With a deepening sense of dread, yet unable to simply walk away, he sat down on the couch and dialed his home. She answered on the first ring.

"Sean?"

"Yes, Chris. It's me. You could have simply asked Elijah to call me to the phone, you know." He tried to keep his voice level, but he sounded sour even to his own ears.

"Sorry to **bother** you!" she snapped. "And it'll be a cold day in **HELL** when I make that request of your boyfriend, Sean."

"Chris, he meant you no harm. Neither of us did.” He sighed, knowing this was useless. “That’s not important now. What is it, Chris? Why are you calling at this hour?"

"Does the hour bother you, Sean? You've always told me to call anytime I like. I've called you at this 'hour' many times in the past. Sorry if I… interrupted." Her voice dripped with sarcasm.

"Look, Chris," Sean said, letting a bit of edge slide into his voice. "What you 'interrupted' was a good night's sleep. One of the few I've had in recent weeks. One I'd like to get back to, so would you please tell me what the hell you want?"

For a moment there was silence at the other end of the line. Then Sean heard her soft crying and immediately regretted having snapped at her. "Chris, I'm sorry. I'm just tired. What is it? Is something wrong?"

"Is something **WRONG**?" she asked him in disbelief. "I called because I'm a fool, Sean. I thought I'd try one last time to reason with you before you did something… irrevocable."

The soft pad of footsteps told Sean that Elijah had returned to the living room. He felt a gentle nudge on his hand and turned to see him holding out a small glass of orange juice. Sean took it, then looked up at him pleadingly. Elijah nodded and walked into the bedroom, closing the door behind him.

"Chris, I don't know what you mean by irrevocable," Sean told her quietly. "And I don't want to get into it now. I'll be home in a day or two, and then we'll talk."

"Is he your lover?"

"Chris, please. This isn't the time or the place."

"Yes or no, Sean. Just answer my question. DID you make love to that boy!"

Sean hesitated. His stomach was knotted with tension, and dark grief roiled in his chest. Grief for Chris and for his marriage. Grief for Elijah, for having their first night together end like this. Grief for his daughters for the cloud that was soon to envelop their young lives. And grief for himself, for finding, to his regret, that he was a much different person than he'd believed himself to be.

Sean shuddered. This entire scene was obscene. He sat, naked, on his lover's couch, talking to his wife of things he never dreamt they'd discuss, longing with all his soul to end this phone call so he could walk back into the bedroom behind him. The room where he knew his bliss was waiting.

"Yes," he said finally. "He's my lover." He knew what voicing this truth meant. He knew the consequences would be swift and dreadful. But at this dark moment in his life, Sean knew that to keep his sanity he had to remain faithful to something. To someone. Elijah deserved to be spoken of in truth. He'd given his love freely, asking for nothing in return. He did not deserve to be a lie in Sean's life and heart.

Sean listened carefully. Chris had stopped crying, and for a long moment there was silence on the other end of the phone. "Chris?" Sean said. "Are you there?"

"That's what I meant by irrevocable, Sean," she said bitterly. And the phone went dead in his hands.

He felt the grief shuddering in his chest, crawling into his throat, filling it with an unbearable ache. His awareness narrowed until he could feel nothing beyond his inner agony and his struggle not to succumb to it. A noise from the bedroom made him jump. _'No,_ ' he thought miserably. _'I'm not going to do this to him. Bad enough our night's been ruined. I won't let him see me in tears.'_

The bedroom door opened and Elijah stood in the doorway. He smiled slowly. "Finished?" he asked gently.

Sean nodded and tried to smile. "Yeah. It's okay. It was nothing. She just wanted to remind me of something. She's used to calling me at all hours." He stood and walked toward Elijah, shrugging his broad shoulders and making a face meant to play down the importance of Chris's call.

When Elijah spoke, his voice was low. "Right, Sean." He spread his arms, his hands on either side of the door frame. To Sean, he was a dark, smoldering vision. His beauty… unearthly. His sexual potency almost palpable.

“So it starts now, huh,” Elijah said, his voice defeated

Sean stopped in the middle of the living room floor. “Lij?” Elijah wheeled and walked into the bedroom. Sean stood for a moment, unsure what was happening, then trailed him into the bedroom. He found Elijah perched on the side of the bed, smoking and staring into space.

“What’s wrong?”

“You just lied to me,” Elijah told him. “And I have to tell you that I fucking HATE how it felt.”

“Oh god, babe, I’m…”

“Don’t tell me you’re sorry, Sean," Elijah snapped. "Just don’t! It was automatic! You didn’t even think about it. You just spewed that crap out like it was the most natural thing in the world! What the fuck does that say about us? About the level of trust you have in me?” He crushed his cigarette into the ashtray and glared at Sean.

Sean stood silently beside him. His every instinct screamed to reach for Elijah. To touch him; embrace him. But Sean couldn't move. He was paralyzed with panic. _'Sweet Jesus,_ ' he thought in misery. _'Am I going to lose both of them?'_

White-faced and trembling, he sank to the bed beside Elijah and stared at the far wall. "Oh, Jesus," he whispered, his throat aching unbearably. "Lij…"

Seeing the bright glow of tears in Sean's eyes instantly defused Elijah’s anger and he quickly enveloped Sean in his arms. "Oh god, Seanie, don't. It's okay." He cupped Sean's face in both hands and drew him in for a long, lingering kiss. Sean's arms were around him in seconds, pulling him close in a fierce embrace, moaning his name.

"Look," Elijah murmured, rocking Sean gently. "We need to talk about all this, but not at four in the morning." He pushed Sean back, both hands on his shoulders. " **We** ," he said, smiling. "… are going back to sleep for awhile."

"Sleep?" Sean whispered, shaking his head. "I dunno if I can."

"Oh, you can," Elijah told him, as he stood and began stripping off his sweat pants. "And furthermore, you fucking WILL. So…," he gestured at Sean’s pillow. "Get into bed, dude. Your lover wants to snuggle."

Sean was happy to accommodate him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He reached for Elijah before he was even awake the next morning… and again found an empty bed. Elijah wasn’t far away though. Sean spotted him immediately, standing quietly beside the window, staring outside and smoking. In the dim, early morning light, Elijah was a dark silhouette. The smoke from his cigarette wreathed his head like a mist, and Sean swallowed hard.

“You’re already dressed,” he said quietly.

Elijah turned toward him and smiled. “Yeah. Well, I knew we needed to talk and I figured not being naked would help that along some.” He walked to the bed and sat down. His eyes met Sean’s as he reached to crush out his cigarette.

“I have a couple things I need to say,” he said. “And I don’t want you to get upset.”

“Well, hearing you say that certainly sets the stage,” Sean said with a half-smile. He shoved his pillow in back of him and leaned against the headboard. “Okay,” he murmured, reaching for Elijah’s hand. “Tell me.”

Elijah took his hand and smiled as his own disappeared into Sean’s larger paw. He stroked the top of Sean’s hand with fingers that were beginning to tremble. “I – I love you,” he said softly, staring at their joined hands. “I want us to be together. I want us to have a good life. I’m sorry for Chris’s pain, truly I am. And I’m desperately sorry for how this situation will hurt the girls.”

Sean’s hand tightened. “I feel a ‘but’ coming on.”

Elijah nodded. “Yeah. There IS a but… in fact there’s a couple of them.”

“Elijah, I will never lie to you again. I promise you.”

“Okay. That’s one thing out of the way. But you have to mean it, Sean. I have to be able to believe that what you say to me is true. I want us to trust each other. It’s more important than anything.”

Sean nodded. “We’ll be totally honest with each other… without condition. Even if I think you’ll hate it, or be hurt by it. That’ll be hard for me. But I understand how important it is.”

“And then there’s this,” Elijah said softly. “And this is even harder for me to say, but it has to be said.” He drew a deep breath and stared hard into Sean’s eyes. “She can’t do that anymore. What she did last night. And you have to tell her she can’t. This is my home. And when you’re here, it’s OUR home. She has to respect that. She has to respect ME.”

Sean tried hard to hold Elijah’s gaze, but in the end he had to turn away. “Lij…”

“Look,” Elijah said quietly. “I know you. You’ve always got adrenaline fizzing through your veins like ginger ale. You’re constantly bouncing off walls. You’re addicted to it, Sean. The adrenaline. You have been ever since you were a kid.”

Sean’s head slowly turned toward his friend.

“I can’t live like that, Seanie. I can’t. I can’t have you fall happily to sleep on my shoulder at night and be freaking out at 3 A.M.. We’re going to have peace, you and I. And for that to happen, the craziness has to stop.”

Their eyes met and locked.

“Okay?” Elijah asked quietly.

Sean nodded.

“Please tell her for me that I’ll always wake you for any legitimate reason. And that she’s welcome to call at any reasonable hour. But not in the middle of the night unless it’s a real emergency.”

“Lij, she’s just… upset.”

Elijah stared into Sean’s eyes. “So am I.”

“OK, Lij. I’ll explain it to her.”

Elijah sighed deeply. “One other thing,” he murmured, glancing up at Sean.

“What?” Sean asked suspiciously.

“I don’t know if this is going to hurt or help, but I’m leaving soon for London. I’ll be shooting ‘Yanks’, the film I told you about.”

“The soccer movie?”

“Yeah. I’ll be shooting in London.”

“Jesus. For how long?”

“Couple months at least,” Elijah told him quietly. “And then… I’m off to Prague.”

“For what?”

“For ‘Everything Is Illuminated’. I told you all of this, Sean. Weeks ago.”

Sean leaned forward and ran his hands distractedly through his hair. “Christ, Lij,” he moaned. “We’ll be apart for months!”

“What? Planes don’t fly to London or Prague from LAX?”

The look in Sean’s eyes was Elijah’s response.

“Sean, do you want me to turn these parts down?”

“No! God, no! You know that’s not what I want.”

“Okay, then,” Elijah said with a shrug. “I’m off to London.”

Sean looked away. He had to find a focus other than Elijah’s eyes. He didn’t want him to see the misery he knew was reflected there. He finally spoke in a low voice. “When?”

“I dunno. They’re still working out my arrangements.”

Sean nodded, afraid to speak. He didn’t want to over dramatize this separation. It was to be the first of many, and he knew it. It was part and parcel of the work they did. But irrational fear ripped through him, screaming that Elijah’s absence now was a death knell for their relationship.

“I’m gonna catch a shower,” Elijah said quietly.

“Who’s in this movie with you?”

Elijah was headed for the bathroom. “Charlie Hunnam for one,” he threw over his shoulder. “You remember him. He was the young guy in the UK version of ‘Queer As Folk’.”

“Out in a minute.” The door shut behind him.

“Yeah,” Sean mumbled. “I remember him.” Young, blonde, and hot. His ‘Queer As Folk’ sex scenes with Adien Gillian were some of the most erotic ever filmed. Sean remembered alright.

“Jesus,” he whispered, disgusted with himself for the agonizing fear and jealousy that ripped through him. He deliberately composed his face into what he hoped was a calm expression and tried to smile as he waited for Elijah to emerge from the bathroom.

He got up and looked around for his suitcase so he could grab some clean clothes, when Elijah came out of the bathroom with a towel around his waist.

“Hey, babe!” Sean greeted him. “Where did you stuff my suitcase?”

Elijah walked to him. Halfway there he threw the towel to the floor. “Fuck the suitcase,” he growled. His hands grasped Sean’s shoulders and pushed him backwards, following him down with his body. His lips were pressed to Sean’s even before their bodies hit the bed, kissing him hungrily.

Sean gasped. Elijah’s unexpected passion took his breath. His arms wrapped around the slender body that writhed on top of his and locked, crushing them together. His legs moved sensuously, rubbing against Elijah’s. His body arched, and he groaned in blissful agony.

“Oh sweet Jesus, baby,” Sean moaned, tearing his mouth away and gulping in a shuddering breath. “Lij…”

“No!” Elijah moaned. “No!” He slid his tongue between Sean’s parted lips and it glided across his lover’s tongue in a silken caress. Sean suckled Elijah’s tongue softly, whimpering with mindless passion.

“Make me come!” Elijah cried out. “Oh, god. Sean, make me come!”

Sean rolled them, trapping Elijah’s body beneath his, both Elijah’s wrists caught in Sean’s powerful hands. Elijah’s eyes were wide and glittering as they burned up into Sean’s. “Make me come,” he whispered.

Sean smiled down at him. His tender, almost peaceful, look surprised Elijah. “Sean?”

Sean released his wrists and slid lower, gliding down Elijah’s body, his tongue caressing the creamy, alabaster skin of his chest. He kissed the pink scar on his abdomen, then licked the blue, inked tattoo. He felt Elijah’s throbbing erection next to his face and lifted his head to look up at his young lover.

Elijah’s eyes burned into his. “Do it,” he rasped. “Do it, Sean. I won’t come in your mouth. Just suck me. Oh, god, Seanie, please.”

Sean’s fingernails clawed slowly… gently, down Elijah’s chest as his mouth found the tip of Elijah’s cock. He licked the sensitive skin, swirling his tongue around it, feeling his own desire spike higher and higher as Elijah cried out and bucked his hips at Sean’s touch.

“Yes,” Sean hissed. “YES!” He slid his mouth up and down the length of Elijah’s erection, licking, kissing, then slid it into his mouth and sucked hard. He heard Elijah cry out, then felt him trying to push Sean’s head away. “Sean, I’m coming! Oh god.. coming!!”

Sean batted Elijah’s hand away, and grasped his cock firmly, pumping him quickly as he sucked. In seconds he heard Elijah scream his name and felt a hot pulsing against his tongue. He swallowed, but kept sucking, letting himself taste the semen that had gathered on his tongue. _'It’s him,_ ” Sean thought. ‘ _It’s not nasty or wrong. It’s him. Part of him inside me now. Part of me now.”_

He leaned his flushed face against Elijah’s thigh, breath shuddering in his chest. He could hear Elijah gasping, and turned his head, pressing his mouth against warm skin. Strong fingers tugged on his hair. “Sean,” Elijah muttered. “Come up, baby. Come up.”

Sean crawled to the head of the bed, and gathered Elijah in his arms. He felt Elijah’s hand grasp his still-hard erection, and begin to move in an age-old rhythm, and instantly took his hand to stop him. “Wait, Lij,” he breathed.

“Why? Don’t you want…”

He lifted Elijah’s hand to his lips and kissed it. Then he pressed his face to Elijah’s throat and held him close. “No, I don’t want you to… I mean – I do, but not now. I want it to be just for you. This time. Only you… okay?”

He felt Elijah’s nod and lifted his head.

“Listen. I’m – uh – feeling a bit jealous and a bit anxious about your London shoot. Charlie sorta – ummm” Sean swallowed and peeked up into Elijah’s eyes. “He sorta scares me. I mean… he’s pretty hot.”

Elijah laughed and kissed his forehead. “What the fuck, Sean? Maybe I’m the one who should feel jealous! He’s a nice guy but I didn’t feel all that attracted when we met.”

Morning sunlight was pouring into the room as Sean grinned at him. “I’m embarrassed about saying it. But this is in keeping with our new rule about total disclosure. I have now totally disclosed.”

Elijah laughed again, and drew the back of his fingers down Sean’s cheek. “Sam,” he breathed. “My dear Sam.”

“Yes, Mr. Frodo?”

Elijah’s lips pressed against Sean’s ear. “Your suitcase is in the closet.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sean would have been happy to have simply spent the day in Elijah’s apartment, but Elijah had other ideas. He insisted on taking him to lunch in one of Manhattan’s finest restaurants and then hauled him into several shops where he bought gifts for both Sean and his children.

They were dressed in jeans and jackets, and blended easily into the Manhattan crowds. Sean felt anxious a time or two when younger women seemed to recognize one of them, but they kept moving and no one spoke. Elijah slipped his arm through Sean’s and leaned his dark head against his shoulder. “This is so much fun! Really being together like this. Out in public.”

Sean nodded and ducked his head a bit. “It is. But Lij,” he muttered, glancing about, “what if someone recognizes us!” He didn’t want to shake off Elijah’s arm, but he felt a bit squeamish. Worried about seeing someone he knew, or someone that knew him.

“Who’s going to recognize us here? And if they did, who’d care? Our fans have seen us be a lot more affectionate than this, Sean.”

“I know,” Sean smiled. “I’m sorry. I’m just not quite used to all of it yet.” He looked around. “I don’t know New York that well. Where are we?”

Elijah pointed. “My apartment building is about 5 blocks that way. You ready to go home?” His smile was soft, but his eyes glinted a smoldering blue-silver that took Sean’s breath.

He opened his mouth to speak, but was interrupted by the jingling of his cell phone. When he heard the ring-tone he winced. “Oh fuck!”

“What’s wrong?”

“That ring,” he muttered. “Only one person has that ring tone.” He held the phone up to Elijah’s face so he could see the caller ID.

“Oh shit,” Elijah moaned. It was Sean’s mother.

“I’m letting voice mail get it,” Sean said.

“BA- GAWK!” Elijah imitated, grinning.

“Chicken noises?” Sean asked. He held the phone toward Elijah. “YOU wanna talk to her?”

“Nope. Not my mom,” Elijah stated flatly. “I told my mom already.”

“What did she say?” Sean asked as the phone continued to ring. “Damn, mom! Give UP already!”

“I told her you and I were in love and she said: ‘So what ELSE is new?”

Sean laughed quietly. His cell had stopped ringing, but a moment later the tone for voice mail beeped, and he sighed. “Let’s go home, babe.”

“Is she gonna be upset, Sean? I mean, Jesus! You’re a grown man.”

“Elijah, what the hell makes you think THAT makes any difference! Grown man or not, my mother never relinquishes territory that she once claimed as hers.”

“I bet Chris loves that,” Elijah snickered.

“You ever see them together?” Sean asked.

“No.”

Sean looked at him, eyebrows lifted, nodding. “Think there’s a reason for that?”

“Was your mom jealous? Or was Chris?” He asked as they strode down the sidewalk arm in arm.

Sean’s head shook. “It wasn’t about jealousy. It was about ownership. It was about power. They both wanted it.”

“Over you?”

Sean glanced sideways at him and nodded. “Over me.”

Elijah’s step slowed. “They both wanted to control you,” he said slowly.

Sean nodded, then stopped and turned to Elijah. “They’re not bad people,” he said quietly. “And they both love me. I’m a control freak too, Lij.” He sighed and looped both arms around Elijah’s neck. “A fact which I’m sure will be the cause of many interesting conversations between us as time goes on.”

For a moment they both stared at each other without speaking. The street noises and bits of conversation from those who walked past them never reached their ears. They were oblivious to all except each other.

“You tried that with me before,” Elijah smiled. “In New Zealand. Remember?”

They turned once more toward Elijah’s apartment, ambling down the sidewalk arm in arm. Sean nodded. “As I recall,” he said, “you didn’t take to it very well.”

Elijah’s giggle rose above the conversations around them and several heads turned. “Shhh, duffus!” Sean laughed. “You want to be trapped in the middle of a fan storm?”

Elijah looked his confusion and Sean hugged him with one arm, pulling him snug against his side. “That giggle of yours is pretty recognizable.”

Food was the first thing on Elijah’s mind once they reached his apartment, and while he phoned in an order for both of them, Sean steeled himself to listen to his mother’s message.

Her voice fairly crackled over the line:

“Sean, I just heard from Chris. Knew when I heard her voice that it had to be bad because she never calls me, and sure enough, it is. Son, I don’t want to jump to conclusions or assume too much ‘til I’ve talked to you, but: have you completely lost your fucking mind? Call me first chance you get, please. We need to discuss this. I’m calling your father.”

Sean sank to the couch. _‘Dad will never understand!’_ he thought miserably. Nothing else his mother said had troubled him terribly. It could all be written off to Pattie being Pattie. But the threat to call his father wrenched at his soul.

“Oh, god,” he whispered, the phone hanging limply in his hand. His father was no homophobe. Sean adored him and knew he was adored in return. But Sean also felt sure John would not understand Sean’s desire… his need… to leave his family and build a life elsewhere. He was terribly fond of Chris, and he positively doted on his granddaughters.

Elijah entered carrying two small folding tables. “They’ll deliver our dinner in fifteen or so. I ordered some great seafood. You’ll love it, Sean. This place is…” he looked up from setting up the tables and saw Sean’s stricken face. “What’s wrong?” he asked softly. “Sean? What did your mom say?”

“She’s going to call my father,” Sean murmured. A frustrated rage filled him. “Damn her!” He spat, turning to Elijah. “She knows that’s the worst thing she could do to me!”

“Why?” Elijah asked, setting up the tables. “Sean, listen to me. I’ve talked with your dad. He’s a kind, wise gentleman. He won’t turn against us.”

“I couldn’t agree more, Elijah. But *I* wanted to tell him.” He sighed and threw his phone onto the table. “In my OWN way.” He sighed again and slouched onto the couch. “Hearing it from her… he won’t understand. He’ll be disappointed in me.”

“Then call him NOW,” Elijah said, picking up Sean’s phone and holding it out to him. “Beat her to the punch. She can’t have reached him yet.”

Sean looked at him, doubtfully.

“DO it!” Elijah insisted, thrusting the phone into his hands. “Jesus, don’t leave this hanging over our heads. We’re about to have our first dinner together as a couple. I don’t want you fucking choking on it.”

Sean took the phone with a trembling hand, then slowly stood. He gazed at his young lover in silence for a moment. _‘Will he be upset if I want to do this alone?’_ he wondered. Then he remembered their vow of honesty. “Babe?” He asked. “Would you mind if I went into the bedroom to do this?”

“Nope,” Elijah said, bowing comically and ushering Sean toward the door. As he passed, Elijah tweaked his butt. “Say nice things about me.”

Surprised, Sean turned toward him and grinned.

“And Sean?” Elijah said in a softer voice. “No one can control you unless you let them.” Sean’s fingers softly caressed his face. “And I’ll never try.”

“Never say ‘never’, babes.”

“Okay,” Elijah said, nodding. “I’ll try not to then.”

“So will I,” Sean told him.

Once he was alone in the bedroom he sat down on the bed. “You’ve become my enemy,” he muttered, staring at the phone, then dialed his father’s number, his heart filled with dread.

“Hello…,” said the familiar voice.

“Hi, dad. It’s me.”

“Sean! Hey, kid! How are you? WHERE are you? Are you home?”

Sean laughed. “One question at a time, dad. I’m fine, I’m in New York, so obviously, no, I’m not home. Dad…” Sean said. “Have you talked to mom today?”

“No. Good lord, Sean, I haven’t heard from her in ages. Why on earth would she call ME?” He snickered. “We don’t have a lot to discuss.” He paused. “And I can’t say I’m sorry.”

“Dad, there’s something – I mean I need to – Umm…” Sean hesitated, desperately trying to come up with the right words. “God, dad. There’s just no easy way to say this. Chris and are are going to separate. We’re getting a divorce.”

Silence.

“Son – I’m dreadfully sorry. What on earth…”

“Dad, please let me tell you all of it. You were going to hear it from mom anyway. And I didn’t want her to be the one to tell you.”

“If it’s bad enough for her to call ME, it must be pretty horrific. What did you do, Sean? Fall in love with a showgirl? Or a prostitute?”

“Worse,” Sean said grimly. “At least in HER eyes. I’ve fallen in love with another man.”

“Well, hell, son. That’s not as bad as a showgirl… at least in MY book. So she’s going to call to give me this news, huh?”

“Yeah. She said she was. Well… actually what she said was: ‘I’m calling your father.’”

John laughed. “Hell, kid. There’s a one in four chance she didn’t even MEAN me!”

Sean laughed, feeling ridiculously relieved.

“Listen, Sean. I’m not making light of this. I don’t want to see you leave Chris and the girls. I hate the idea of you breaking up your family. But, I know you hate it too, and if you’ve already made that decision, and I assume you must have for your mother to have her knickers in such a twist, then I know it’s what you felt you had to do. And if I’m the one your mother calls.. I’ll tell her so. Umm.. son?”

“God, dad. Thank you. What? What is it?”

“Do I know the man?”

Sean laughed again. “Yes. It’s… well, it’s – it’s Elijah.”

Silence.

“Dad?”

“He’s very nice, Sean. And I could see the attraction between you two. But.. isn’t he awfully young?”

“Yeah, dad. He is. But he’s not immature. Trust me.”

“Sean, of course I trust you. And I like the young man. Very much in fact. But son, are you sure, really SURE, this is what you want? That this is the best move you could make?”

“Dad, I’m sure it’s the ONLY move I can make. And, yes. It’s what I want. We need to talk a lot more about this, and we will. I’ll be back in California in a few days and I’ll call you then. And dad.. thanks again. For having faith in me. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through in my life. It means a lot to know you’re there for me.”

“You can always count on that, Sean. Call when you get home.”

“I will, dad. Bye…”

His father said ‘good-bye and Sean hung up, wondering why he had ever doubted that John would stand behind him. Sean knew he didn’t fully understand. And didn’t fully approve. But he understood the gravity of Sean’s decision, and would support it. And that was all that mattered… for the moment.

Feeling as though a huge weight had been taken from his chest, he walked into the living room, where Elijah was setting plates of food onto the two small tables he’d set side by side in front of the couch. “Well?” Elijah asked impatiently.

Sean grinned at him and Elijah whooped with joy. “Good old John!” he said moving forward to hug Sean. “I knew he wouldn’t let us down.”

“Well, to say he doesn’t have doubts would be a lie. But… he’s certainly on our side. AND…” he said, kissing Elijah’s cheek. “He said he likes you a lot!”

Elijah giggled and tugged Sean toward the tables of food. “One in-law down,” he said. Then he appeared to stop and try to count… then gave up. “Umm.. several… more to go.”

“Actually only ONE more,” Sean said. “I can’t imagine Mack not supporting me in this.” He sighed unhappily. “But I DO imagine most of my other brothers and sisters will do whatever mom tells them to do and feel whatever she tells them to feel.”

Elijah watched as Sean sat down on the couch and stared at his food dejectedly. Then he held out his hand. “Give it to me.”

Sean didn’t even have to ask what he meant. He reached into his shirt pocket for his phone and handed it to Elijah.

Elijah turned the phone off, then set it on the end table out of Sean’s reach. “Look,” he said quietly. “We don’t have much time together. There are a LOT of things that have yet to be worked out. But we DO know that this…” he moved his index finger back and forth between himself and Sean. “THIS is what we both want. Agreed?”

“Of course, it’s agreed.”

“Okay, then. Can we put what everyone ELSE wants behind us for the next day or so and just enjoy what we’ve got right now?” He sighed and sat down beside Sean. “It’s gonna be awhile before we have it again. Let’s not waste it.”

Sean grinned his agreement, and kissed Elijah’s cheek. “Let’s eat.”

~~~~~~~~

The following day dawned sunny and cool. Elijah begged, cajoled and tormented until Sean finally agreed to take a cab to Central Park that afternoon and go for a long walk.

As they strolled the park paths, he thought how happy he was that he let himself be talked into this. The afternoon sun filtered down through the branches, now barren of leaves. It was cold enough for them to see their breath in the air, but the crisp cold air left Sean feeling exhilarated. And Elijah was in his element. He leapt to touch tree branches and ran madly down the path leaving Sean ambling behind, then dashed back for a quick hug. Sean watched him, feeling a lighthearted peace filling his heart.

He was still hesitant to demonstrate physical affection in such a public setting, but Elijah had no such compunctions. Finally tiring, he took Sean’s arm and pressed his lips tenderly to Sean’s cheek. Sean, seeing another couple approaching, stepped a bit away, and Elijah didn’t hesitate to make his feelings on the matter known. “Hey! What’s up with that?”

Sean pointed, silently to the young man and woman who approached them on the path, walking hand in hand.

“So?”

Sean blushed. “God, Lij. I’m just not – I mean I don’t feel…” he sighed.

“You’re embarrassed.”

“No. It’s not that. I’m…” he sighed again.

“SAY it, Sean! Dammit I need to KNOW what you’re thinking. Don’t make me guess.”

“I’m scared,” Sean said. He stopped in the path and turned to Elijah. “I love you,” he said quietly. “I know that absolutely. Here…” he pointed to his chest above his heart. “But here…” he pointed to his head. “There’s a lot more going on. Worries. Concerns. Some of which totally terrify me.”

“Such as…”

“Such as what happens to our careers if we take up residence together. Such as what happens to our careers if Chris decides to make this public. Such as…”

“… what happens to our careers if we run together down Hollywood Boulevard, hand in hand, stark naked?” Elijah mimicked, not unkindly. He nudged Sean in the ribs and tugged him, once again, down the path. “Jesus, Astin. I didn’t ask you to toss me down in the grass and fuck me in front of several young mothers and an old lady in a wheelchair. I just kissed your cheek!”

Sean snickered and turned his head to press a soft kiss to Elijah’s temple. “I know, baby. And I admit that I’m probably being a bit paranoid. But the concerns remain. And… our careers ARE an issue.”

“So what could happen? Some paparazzi take a picture of me kissing you on the cheek. Like THAT’S something new! I’ve done it a million times both with and without cameras. I’m willing to worry about that later. You’re not even officially separated from Chris yet”

“No. But that’s going to happen as soon as I get back.”

Elijah stopped and turned to him quickly. “Really?”

Sean smiled and stroked his cheek, oblivious to who might be watching them. “Really.”

They began walking again and Sean shrugged. “Don’t think I’ll have a whole lot of choice. She made that pretty clear the other night on the phone. I rather expect that my bags will be packed when I arrive at the house.”

“Sean,” Elijah said slowly. “I know how hard this is for you. I believe you when you say you want us to be together, but this still has to hurt like a motherfucker.”

Sean sighed heavily. “Yeah. I’d hoped that she’d let us be friends. But I guess that was too much to expect… at least at first. God, I hope she doesn’t hate me forever.”

“You still love her, don’t you,” Elijah asked softly.

Sean drew Elijah to a small bridge that stretched over the clear stream flowing through the park. They both sat on its concrete span, and Sean turned to face him. “Listen. I DO still love her. Very much! That’s what makes this so fucking hard! It’d be different if I didn’t. If I just didn’t care. But, Lij, she’s my FRIEND! The mother of my girls.” He swallowed hard and whispered. “She’s been good to me.”

Elijah took his hand and nodded. “I understand that. I know what a good heart you have Sean.”

“I just want you to understand why I can’t simply WALK. Why I have to go slow. Why I want to do as little harm as possible.”

Elijah nodded.

“We’ll have the rest of our lives, I promise you! Just… please have faith in me while I try to sort all this out. Don’t doubt my love for you because I want to take a bit of time with all this.”

“I don’t, Sean.” Elijah made an elaborate show of looking around, and, seeing no one, he kissed Sean tenderly. “I do have faith in you,” he whispered. “And,” he added, standing up and tugging Sean with him. “I’ll be gone long enough for you to work it through with her.” He glanced at Sean. “That should be enough time, shouldn’t it? I mean.. I’ll be gone for months.”

“Jesus,” Sean muttered. “Don’t fucking remind me.”

The sun was setting as they arrived back at the park’s edge. “I’ll hail a cab.” Elijah said, moving toward the sidewalk.

“Is it too far to walk?” Sean asked him. “I don’t have my bearings here yet.”

“It’s not THAT far,” Elijah said, waving at a passing cab. “But it’s getting late, and you’re leaving tomorrow. I’d like to get home.” He turned and looked at Sean. “You know?”

Sean’s breath caught in his throat. “I know.” He walked quickly to the cab.

When they got back to the apartment, Elijah ordered a light supper for them, then wandered into the bedroom. Sean was shoving clothes into his duffle bag. He looked up quickly as Elijah entered.

“I’m sorry, Lij. Thought I could get this done before you came in.”

“Think the sight of you packing will throw me into a fit of weeping?” Elijah asked, laughing.

“No. Just… wanted it over with,” Sean sighed. He glanced at his young lover and felt dread like a flow of icy water flowing through his veins. “Jesus…”, he muttered, sitting down on the bed.

“Talk to me.” Elijah sat beside, him and reached for his hand. “Sean, talk to me.”

“I am absolutely dreading the next few days. You’ll be leaving for London… when?”

“In a week or so I think. They’re making my travel arrangements now.”

Sean nodded. “And I’ll be going home to face the most difficult days of my life.”

“I’m sorry, Seanie. Sorry I can’t be there for you. I feel like shit about it.”

“It’s probably just as well. I don’t really want you...” he hesitated. “… in the middle of all this.”

“That’s not what you were going to say.”

“No,” Sean said, sighing. “I was going to say I don’t want you to see me like that. I’m going to be a mess, pure and simple.”

“If she does have your bags packed when you get home, where will you stay?”

“Probably with Mack, unless he’s pissed at me, too.” His head drooped, and he pressed his forehead against Elijah’s shoulder.

“God, Sean.” Elijah said softly. “Is it worth it? Is it worth it for you to have to go through all this?”

Sean’s head lifted. Since he’d risen this morning he’d felt nothing inside except a chilling numbness. As though all feeling had fled his heart leaving him with only bleak despair. Even his love for Elijah had seemed distant and stilted in the face of what he saw as his failure. He knew that the days ahead would be filled with events so painful that even to think of them was a kind of torture. These thoughts lay like a dark stone on his heart.

Yet now, as Elijah looked at him, his eyes filled with love and sorrow for the pain he knew his friend was facing, his love for this good, decent young man came back to him in a rush. He caught his breath, feeling that he was drowning in it, overwhelmed by this love that had touched the very depths of his heart. His lips brushed Elijah’s ear. “Yes,” he whispered. “It’s worth every bit of it and more.”

“Sean…” Elijah whispered.

“You have to believe me, Elijah. You have to believe in us. How else will I get through this?”

Elijah nodded. He stood slowly, releasing Sean’s hand, and, crossing his hands in front of him, lifted his t-shirt over his head and dropped it next to the bed. “It’s our last night together,” he whispered.

“No, it’s not,” Sean said quickly.

“For awhile,” Elijah finished, unzipping his jeans and beginning to push them down over his slender hips.

Sean watched him, mesmerized. Elijah’s body seemed to glow. The ivory of his naked body glistened in the dim light. It seemed to invite Sean’s touch and with a moan he grasped Elijah’s arm and pulled him close. His lips brushed across the silky nakedness of Elijah’s chest, eyes closed, seeking his nipple and finding it.

Whimpering, Sean kissed and suckled Elijah’s nipple with ecstatic joy, completely immersed in the feeling of his body under his mouth and tongue. He licked Elijah’s chest, sliding his tongue against the warm satin of his skin, feeling Elijah arch against him like a cat.

He felt the throbbing hardness of Elijah’s erection pressing against him and heard his voice, as if from a distance.

“Sean! Sean..” Elijah tugged at Sean’s shirt, desperately trying to pull it over his head.

“Lij,” Sean choked. “I – I – okay, baby.” He reluctantly released Elijah’s body and allowed his shirt to be pulled off. He saw Elijah move to the head of the bed, pushing the covers down.

“Come on, Sean,” he said urgently, sliding over to make room.

Blindly, Sean’s fingers tore at the snap to his jeans. He ripped them off, tearing the zipper with his hands. He saw Elijah reaching for him, his azure eyes dark with desire, and as he followed him into bed and gathered him close, he felt his heart would explode with love, and the pain of knowing that tomorrow they would have to say goodbye.

He crushed their bodies together, half sobbing, and kissed Elijah with a dizzying explosion of feeling. He had wanted tonight to be slow and gentle, to last a long time. But the force of his desire had left him quaking and unable to hold back.

Elijah’s fingers clutched at him, pulling him closer. His legs lifted. “Do it,” he grated through clenched teeth. “Jesus, Sean, fucking DO it! Don’t wait. Ohhh god, just…”

But Sean forced himself to pull back, reaching to the table next to them for the lubricant. He twisted the lid, filled his hands with the slick gel, and flung the tube across the room. His breath came in ragged gasps as he smeared the lubricant on himself and Elijah’s writhing body.

He felt Elijah’s hand on his straining erection, and he heard the harsh rush of his breath as he guided Sean to his body. “Now,” he moaned. “Now, Sean! I want you inside me!”

But Sean refused to be rushed. He slid, slowly, into the hot, sweet pleasure of Elijah’s body. Gasping, he thrust deep, pressing hard, feeling Elijah arch his hips wildly in response.

“YES..”, Elijah hissed. “Oh, Jesus, YES.. Sean, yes.. fuck.. now, now!!”

Sean sank himself into Elijah’s body, again and again. He’d never felt desire this intense and he whimpered with the force of his need. His lips found Elijah’s in a hard, fierce kiss, as he plunged deeper, angling his body until he heard Elijah’s wild cries of ecstasy as Sean’s hardness brushed his prostate.

“Ye.. sss.. oh.. oh.. go.. d.. jes… us.. Sean!” He lifted his hips to Sean’s body, jolted by each massive thrust.

Sean felt his orgasm coming as if from a vast distance. He fought to prolong this bliss… this tumultuous ecstasy, this near-savage taking of his beloved’s body… but he couldn’t. He grasped Elijah’s hardness in his hand, pumping him with lightning speed, hearing Elijah’s cries as he shook with tremors of ecstasy.

He strained against Elijah’s body… groaning in rapturous agony as he came in wave after wave of pleasure so intense he saw lights dance before his eyes. He cried out Elijah’s name, but could not hear himself. He felt transported, as though he had left his own tiny sense of self behind, and had joined with something far, far greater. He felt a sense of total unity with Elijah. And that bliss created within him a greater ecstasy than any orgasm he had ever experienced. And he knew he could never… would never… let it go. They were one, with an intimacy that went too deep within him to be limited by mere physical separation. They would always be one. Always.

Slowly, reality began to return. He felt Elijah beneath him, still trembling, his breath hitching as if he were sobbing. “Lij? Babe? Are you alright? I didn’t hurt you, did I?”

“God, no,” Elijah breathed. “Jesus, no. I’m just – I’m – It’s just…” His arms tightened around Sean’s neck. His face pressed hard to Sean’s chest. He was trembling violently, but Sean understood. He was trying desperately not to cry. Not to let the thought of their impending separation overwhelm him.

“It’s okay, baby,” Sean soothed. He kissed Elijah’s hair with all the tenderness he could find within him, but when he tried to move, to slide out of Elijah’s body and ease his weight from the slight frame below him, Elijah refused to let go. “No!” he muttered. “Don’t, Sean. Please don’t. Stay with me.”

Sean smiled. “Go? Where would I go? We’re beyond that now. We’re one, Elijah.” He bent his head and kissed Elijah gently. “Easy, baby,” he murmured, slowly withdrawing from Elijah’s body. “I’m crushing you.”

He turned to his side, cradling Elijah in his arms. “Thank you,” he whispered. “My god, Elijah. Thank you. I’ve never felt anything like that before. I hope I wasn’t too rough with you.”

He felt Elijah’s head shake, though his face stayed pressed to Sean’s chest, his hands fisted in front of him. Finally he whispered, “No, you weren’t too rough. I wanted you to be rough. I wanted you to leave me with something I could feel after…” he sighed, “… tomorrow.”

“Well, you probably got what you wanted,” Sean laughed softly. “I was pretty out of control for awhile there.”

“Good.”

“Tell you something,” Sean said, stroking Elijah’s hair back from his brow. “I’ve always thought of physical love as just… sex. Bodies to me, and especially men’s bodies, were just a means to an end. Containing no real beauty. Just an unrefined tool one used to get what one needed.”

He felt Elijah’s breath puff warmly against his chest as he laughed.

“That’s sort of a chauvinist attitude isn’t it?”

“Now I see. Bodies can be a way to touch something inside me that’s beyond physical reality. Something…,” he looked down at Elijah and grimaced. “You’re gonna laugh.”

“Try me.”

“Something… sacred.”

“Kindly note that I am not laughing.”

“Duly noted,” Sean said, and kissed him.

“You gleaned that from what we did just now?” Elijah asked.

“I did. I’ve never felt so close to another human being. I’ve never felt truly ‘one’ with anyone before. Not like I did just now. It was amazing.” He leaned back a bit and gazed into Elijah’s face. “What did YOU glean from what we did just now, Ringbearer?”

“Well,” Elijah drawled. “Nothing quite that esoteric, I’m afraid. I gleaned that you gave me the longest, hottest, most intense orgasm of my life. I actually wondered for a moment if I’d live through it… not that I would have stopped anyway. I wouldn’t have.” He pressed his lips to Sean’s throat. “So while we’re handing out ‘thank yous’, please accept mine. It was incredible, my Seanwise.”

“A good fuck?” Sean said, grinning.

“The best I’ve ever had.”

“Now let’s get a good sleep. Tomorrow is going to be one bitch of a day.”

~~~~~~~~~

They both tried to make the morning memorable, tried to put aside their sadness and feel some sense of joy in the time that they had left. But the hours fled too quickly, and soon the afternoon had come and Sean was standing in the living room, duffle bag at his feet, trying to find a way to bid goodbye to the one he loved.

“Be safe,” he whispered. “Please. Take care of yourself for me.”

“I will,” Elijah said. “Just please promise me you won’t be too hard on yourself, Sean. That you won’t let people make you feel small or wrong. You’re not wrong. You’re not wrong to fall in love. Don’t let anyone talk you into…”

“Abandoning you?” Sean finished.

“Yes,” Elijah whispered.

“Elijah, I told you. Even if you abandoned ME, I’d still leave Chris. I’m not in love with her anymore. I love her as a friend, and that is what I want to preserve if I can. But nothing and no one will make me go back to how it was. That’s over.”

He wrapped his arms around Elijah and for a long time they stood together, eyes closed, embracing, savoring these few moments they had left, trying to memorize the feeling of warmth and abundant love that always filled them when they were close.

“I love you,” Sean choked out. “I love you so much.”

Elijah swallowed hard and nodded. He drew a deep breath, not trusting his voice, then he whispered. “I love you too. With all my heart.” He looked into Sean’s eyes, his own filled with unwavering devotion. “I’ll be waiting.”

Sean pressed a kiss to his forehead, then quickly grabbed his bag and walked out the door.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sean leaned back in his seat and fastened his seatbelt. The flight back to Los Angeles usually seemed to go on forever. But not this time. This time… when Sean would have welcomed a long, drawn-out flight, it seemed the shortest of hops.

He’d left his car at the airport and quickly grabbed his one bag from the overhead and headed for the lot. He’d never felt like this before. Never experienced such hollow dread at the thought of simply going home. _‘What has she told the girls?’_ he wondered. _‘Has she packed my bags? Are they even THERE? Or has she taken the girls to her mother’s?’_

On the drive home he tried to calm himself. There were a lot of difficult days ahead and this was simply the first. He couldn’t face each of them with this kind of anxiety, or he’d never last. He tried to think of Elijah, to sooth his spirit with the thought that there were better days ahead, but it wasn’t much help. The sight of Chris’s car in the driveway both reassured and depressed him, and as he walked toward the house, his heart beat leadenly in his chest.

He heard the girls at once, playing near the rear of the house, and almost immediately heard Chris’s lilting voice saying something to them in a laughing tone. He sighed at the thought that he would not be part of this kind of happy familial scene for much longer.

They were in the family room. The girls were on the floor in front of the fireplace playing with a dollhouse and dolls. Chris was on the couch just behind them with a book in her hands. He set his bag down in the doorway and smiled. “Hey,” he said in a soft voice. “I’m home.”

He was instantly attacked by both girls. Smothered in hugs and kisses and cries of “Daddy! Daddy! Daddy’s home!” He clutched them to his chest and returned kiss for kiss, praying that in all that he was about to lose, this would be left to him. This love. These kisses.

He stood, lifting both girls with him, trying to answer their questions about what he’d brought for them when, over their heads, his eyes met those of his wife. She smiled and gave him a short nod. “Would you like something to eat?” She asked. “I could make you a sandwich.”

“No,” Sean said quickly. “No, but thank you. I’m fine.”

She nodded again and walked out of the room.

He spent the rest of the evening playing with the girls. He gave them the gifts that he and Elijah had bought for them, and told them about some of the things he had seen while in New York. He had to smile at the semi-guilty pleasure it gave him to say Elijah’s name when Ally asked about him.

Chris stayed away for the most part, giving Sean time with his daughters, and only reappeared toward the end of the evening to gather the girls up for bed.

“Say goodnight to daddy now,” she said, picking Elizabeth up from where she sat on Sean’s lap and holding her close to him for a kiss. “You’ll see him in the morning.”

Hearing this, Sean breathed an internal sigh of relief. _‘Well,’_ he thought. _‘At least I’m not being evicted tonight. We’ll see about tomorrow.'_

He was sorry to see the girls go, for even in the midst of his delight at being with Elijah, he had missed his children. But he wanted to face Chris now and find out what course of action she had decided on, if any. He picked up the toys that the girls had left scattered in the family room while he waited for her to come back downstairs.

When she reappeared, she signaled for him to follow her, and walked to the kitchen. Sean trailed behind her. He sat at the breakfast bar watching her as she poured them each a cup of coffee. She wore an aqua silk negligee that floated around her body like a wisp of cloud. Sean couldn’t help thinking how lovely she was.

“Well…” Sean said softly, “… how’ve you been?”

She gave him an astonished look and he grimaced. “Yeah. Sorry.” He sighed. “I suppose we need to talk about things,” he said quietly.

“Yes. We do.”

“I rather thought my bags would be packed and waiting on the doorstep,” he said.

“I thought about it,” she told him with a grim smile. “But in spite of whatever half-assed satisfaction doing that might have given me, it would have been bad for the girls.”

“Thank you,” Sean said.

She stood across from him, sipping her coffee thoughtfully. “I’m not going to be a bitch about all this, Sean.”

He started to speak but she interrupted. “Not for your sake. For the girls. And, I suppose, for me in the long run.”

He watched her silently.

“You’re riding a huge wave of success right now. Creating a scandal in the midst of that would hurt all of us… not just you. So I’m willing to work with you.”

“Thank you,” Sean said. He felt a burst of annoyance with himself, and wondered if ‘thank you’ would be the only words he uttered during this conversation. ‘Stop it!’ he admonished himself. ‘I’m lucky she’s being so reasonable. A couple of ‘thank yous’ aren’t a lot to ask.’

“What do you and Elijah have planned?” she asked. And Sean could see what it cost her to say Elijah’s name in a civil tone.

“Nothing,” Sean said. “He’s off to London, and then Prague, filming.”

“You don’t plan to go there?”

“I have no plans, **period** ,” Sean told her. He thought of Elijah’s hope that Sean would visit him on location, but decided to keep that thought to himself for now. “Everything depends on you, Chris,” he said softly. “We didn’t want to plan anything until we knew what you wanted.”

“ **We** ,” she mocked with a bitter smile. “How nice of both of you to be so considerate of me.”

“Chris…”

“Never mind, Sean,” she said irritably. “I assume you’ll be sleeping in the guest room. Or… had you planned to move out tonight?”

“I told you I had NO plans. But yes, sleeping in the guest room might be best.”

“I should think so,” Chris said firmly, walking to the sink to rinse out her mug. “We can talk about all this in more detail tomorrow. Goodnight, Sean.” She walked from the room, the negligee accentuating the curves of her body as she swayed.

‘Jesus,’ Sean thought with astonishment. ‘I’ll never touch her body again!’ The realization stunned him. The fact that he had not previously come to this awareness deepened his sense of self-annoyance. He thought for a moment of the many nights of passion he had known with her and sighed. ‘I’ve turned my whole life upside down. And in ways that I haven’t even realized yet.” He sighed again and set his mug in the sink. On the way to the guest room, he stopped off in the den to call Elijah.

He answered on the first ring.

“Hey,” Sean said softly.

“Hey, yourself! I’ve been climbing the walls! How ARE you?”

“I’m sorry, Lij,” Sean said. “It’s been a bit crazy. First, I had to spend some time with the girls, then Chris and I talked a bit.”

“And?”

“Not much. She asked if we had made plans. I told her ‘no’. Then she said she was willing to ‘work’ with me, whatever that means. And pointed me toward the guest room. That’s about it.”

“So,” Elijah said slowly. “… there was no discussion of you moving out.”

“No, but that doesn’t mean it’s not going to happen. It IS going to happen. And it’s going to happen soon. I can’t stay here, much as I might want to for the sake of my girls.” He spoke this last with a bleak sadness that tore at Elijah’s heart.

“Sean, it’ll be alright. These things DO happen. People eventually make peace with it and their lives go on. They even find happiness again. Who knows?” He added in a sorrowful voice. “You might, too.”

“Elijah,” Sean said, smiling. “… stop. You know I’ve already found happiness. I regret nothing. I’ve been in love with you for years. It couldn’t go on the way it had been. It was damaging to everyone.”

“You sound tired.”

“I am,” Sean told him. He felt on the thin edge of both physical and emotional exhaustion. “I know I can’t take much more of this. It’s just too much. It’s like they said in the movies… being in a battle is bad enough, but waiting on the edge of one you can’t avoid is even worse. I want it over with. Done. No one.. none of us.. can even BEGIN to heal until that happens.”

His voice had risen as he spoke, and Elijah spoke with deepening worry. “Sean,” he said softly. “You need to get some sleep. Call me tomorrow if you can. And, Seanie?”

“Yeah,” Sean rasped, walking toward the guest room as he spoke.

“I leave in four days for London. Just wanted you to know.”

“OK, babe,” Sean said, pushing open the guest room door to find his personal effects already neatly placed on the dresser and all his clothes already in the closet. He felt tears beginning to flow and quickly smothered them. “Okay, babe,” he said again, his voice wooden. “I’ll call you tomorrow. Good night.”

“Sean?” Elijah said quickly.

“Yeah.”

“I love you,” Elijah said, and hung up.

Sean stood in the center of the guest room. Unable to fight any longer, tears began to stream down his face. The phone was still pressed to his ear. “I love you, too,” he whispered into the receiver. “I love you so much.”

~~~~~~~~~

He was up early the next day, and while Chris and the girls still slept, he pored over Internet sites that advertised apartments for rent. He quickly realized that this was not the way to handle this move, and, instead, called his brother.

“Hey there, Hobbit!” Mack’s cheerful voice greeted him.

“Hi, bro,” Sean said. “You heard from mom?”

“Ah, yes. I have. I got the word right from the dragon’s… er.. from Mommy Dearest’s mouth yesterday. Seems you’ve gone round the bend. And **without** inviting me along.”

“Now, Mack,” Sean said, laughing. “She’s a pain in the ass at times, but she’s a far cry from ‘Mommy Dearest’.”

“I know that,” Mack said. “But I did get you to laugh, didn’t I? What’s up, Sean? Are you back from New York?”

“Yeah, I’m home. And I need your help.”

“We need to meet. Come over to my place? We’ll have a beer and talk a bit.”

“Sounds good,” Sean told him. “I want to wait ‘til Chris and the girls are up. Then I’ll be over. You’ll be there?”

“I’ll be here,” Mack said.

“See you then,” Sean told him, and hung up.

He could hear the girls and Chris stirring upstairs and quickly put coffee on to brew. He was setting the table with cereal bowls and spoons when all three of them appeared in the kitchen, Chris carrying Elizabeth.

“I’ll take her,” Sean offered.

She surrendered Elizabeth into her father’s arms, and Sean set her in her booster chair. He chatted with the girls as he poured cereal and milk in their bowls.

“Why didn’t Uncle Lijah come back with you, daddy?” Ally asked, her mouth full of Fruit Loops. “I want to see him!”

“He has to go to London to do a movie, princess. But he did sent you that pretty dolly as a present, and he sends you his love as well.”

He turned to Chris and caught the look of resentment on her face. He shrugged helplessly and she turned away, filling her coffee mug.

Sean walked to where she was standing. “I know you want to talk today, and I do, too,” he said in a low voice. “But I need to go out for awhile right now.”

“Suit yourself, Sean.”

“Will you be here later?”

“Like you, I have no plans.”

Sean nodded and dashed into the guest room to dress, grateful to be in a different part of the house. Chris had been inordinately civil, and Sean felt sure she would continue to be so. But the bitter suffering in her eyes was driving him mad. His heart was wracked with pain because of what he was doing to her. It was unbearable and he longed for escape.

After dressing, he went back into the kitchen. The girls had finished and were in the family room playing. Chris was washing their cereal bowls. Sean went to her side. “I’m going to Mack’s for a bit. I won’t be long.” She nodded but didn’t speak. Sean went through the family room and kissed the girls goodbye, then all but sprinted to his car.

Driving down the Los Angeles freeway revived his spirits. He rolled down the windows and turned the music up as loud as he could stand it. He hated feeling so uncomfortable in his own home. While he was there he felt suffocated by the pain of their situation. Now, with the wind in his hair, he felt able to breathe again. He enjoyed the brief ride to Mack’s house, and pulled into his driveway feeling a bit refreshed. The door was open, and he walked into the living room, yelling his brother’s name.

“Down here, Sean,” Mack responded. And Sean wandered downstairs to find Mack behind the bar in his finished basement. “Beer?” he asked, holding one towards Sean. “Breakfast of Champions.”

“Then you’ll have to give me something else,” Sean said moodily. “I’m afraid ‘champion’ doesn’t exactly describe me these days.”

“How about a mug full of ashes?” Mack said, shoving the beer into Sean’s hand. “You feeling sorry for yourself, bud?”

“I suppose,” Sean said, accepting the beer. He drank deeply of the cool, strong ale and sighed. “God, that’s good!”

“Sooooo…,” Mack drawled. “How’s my new brother-in-law?”

Sean shot him a glance, then, unable to resist Mack’s unruly grin, grinned back. “Very funny. He’s on his way to London soon.”

“Mom sure didn’t see this coming.”

“Who did?” Sean said, lifting his hands a gesture of confusion.

“Hell, dad and I saw it coming while you were still in New Zealand,” Mack said, his grin disappearing. “And I’ll tell you something else. So did Chris.”

“What?” Sean said, gaping at him. “NO!”

“Yes,” Mack said, leaning toward him. “She and I talked about it. And I have to wonder, now, if she’s thinking about that conversation.”

“What did she say?” Sean asked him, dumbstruck, unable to believe what he was hearing.

“She asked me about you and Elijah. Told me she thought there was more going on than just ‘Sam and Frodo’ stuff.”

“And you said…”

“The truth, which I don’t mind telling you was damned convenient. That as far as I knew, there was nothing else going on. But that’s not what I thought deep down. Dad and I both saw one hell of a powerful attraction between the two of you. But,” Mack shrugged. “We also figured it was your business and that you’d tell us when you were ready.”

“Mack there WAS nothing going on in New Zealand! We only really realized it fully ourselves when I was in New York for the Lincoln Center event. Before then… there was nothing – nothing umm – inappropriate.”

“It’s not inappropriate NOW,” Mack said firmly. “It’s merely – damned Inconvenient.”  
Sean looked at him, his face somber. “It’s a damned sight more than that for my daughters.”

“Why?” Mack asked, reaching to flip Sean’s hair in a gentle smack. “Don’t over dramatize!”

Sean gaped at him.  
“Yes, it’s going to be… different with you not living at the house. But not all THAT different. You’re gone a lot as it is. The quantity and quality of time you spend with your children will be completely up to you. I doubt Chris would limit your access to them.”

“Chris wouldn’t. I just hope my in-laws don’t talk her into something more restricted.”

“Hey, she didn’t let OUR mother cow her, so I doubt her own will present a problem.” Mack thought for a moment. “Have you talked to Dad?”

“Yeah. He’s going to stick by me, of course. Though I think he’s more upset and worried than he lets on.”

“I imagine that’s mainly because of Elijah’s age.”

“Yeah, that’s what he said.”

“He’ll come around. Elijah’s mature for his years. Dad’ll have to get to know him.”

“DAD isn’t who I’m worried about.”

Mack snickered. “Ahhh, don’t let her worry you. What’s she gonna do? She won’t stand up on some bi-polar podium and announce that her superstar son has begun a gay affair with his male, 10-years-his-junior, co-star.”

“Oh, and why NOT?” Sean said.

“Because they’d think she’d forgotten to take her meds,” Mack said, with a wicked grin.

They both snickered.

“You said you needed my help.”

“Yeah, Mack. I need an apartment. Someplace I can move that’s quiet, away from fans, yet not too far from the girls. I can’t find anything on the Internet, and I thought maybe you’d help me.”

“Why not move in here?” His brother asked him. “I have plenty of room.”

“Because,” Sean said quietly. “… I want to be alone. Not to sound too much like Greta Garbo.”

“Why?”

“Because I need to work this through by myself. I doubt I’ll even be seeing too much of Elijah.”

Mack nodded. “What you want, bro, is a real estate agent. Someone good who deals with rentals. You want me to take care of it for you?”

“Mack, would you? God, that would help so much. I trust you to pick out a good place.”

“No problem.” He gazed at his brother for a long moment. “How’s Chris?”

Sean’s sigh seemed to come from the soles of his feet. “She’s about how you would expect her to be. Pissed off and completely heartbroken. She feels betrayed. And she has every RIGHT to!” Sean’s fist came down hard on the top of the bar. “God, I fucking HATE myself for what I’ve done to her!”

“Sean…” Mack began, but Sean cut him off.

“NO!” he roared. “Don’t TELL me how ‘these things happen’ or ‘she’ll get over it’ or any of those other platitudes because I don’t want to hear it!”

Mack shrugged and grabbed Sean’s hand. “Then don’t DO it,” he grated in a harsh voice. “Tell Elijah you were wrong to lead him on, and go home to your family. You may lose his friendship, at least for awhile, but I know Chris would forgive you… in time.”

Sean stared into his brother’s eyes. “Wrong… wrong to lead him… on,” he choked, his eyes slowly filling with tears. “Oh god,” he whispered. He covered his face with his hands and sobbed. Mack hurried around the bar to embrace him, rocking him gently.

“Let it out, brother mine,” he crooned. “Believe it or not, it’ll be alright in time.”

Sean looked up at him, his face streaked with tears, his eyes still overflowing. “Will it?”

“Of course it will!” Mack said grabbing him by the shoulders and shaking him.

“Sean, you have to stop this. You have to stop treating yourself like mom used to treat you. Blame, blame, blame. Abandonment. Denial of love. You’re doing all those things to yourself! And it’s just as wrong as when she did them to you! You have to stop. Or you’re going to make a terrible mistake.”

“Like what? What could be more terrible than what I’ve already done?”

“What you’ve done isn’t a mistake!” Mack yelled at him, shaking him again. “Unless you’re going to tell me you really DON’T love Elijah!”

Sean gripped his brother’s wrists. “But I DO, Mack. God, I do so much!”

“Then the mistake would be NOT to let that love guide your life. To walk away from him because of guilt, or low self-esteem, or some jackass desire to sacrifice yourself for no good reason.”

“Chris…” Sean began.

“Chris doesn’t need someone staying with her because he feels sorry for her pain. She doesn’t need someone who feels no passion for her, someone who isn’t truly in love with her anymore.”

“No,” Sean said softly. “She doesn’t deserve that either.”

Mack released Sean’s shoulders and hopped onto the barstool next to him.

“You’ll find me a nice place to live?” Sean asked.

“You bet!” Mack told him, leaning over the bar to grab two fresh beers from the cooler. “One with black lights and a mirror on the bedroom ceiling.”

“MACK!”

Mackenzie turned to him, eyes wide with innocence. “No?”

“NO!” Sean laughed, punching his arm.

“Elijah might liiiiike it,” Mack teased.

Sean shook his head. “Elijah has better taste than you give him credit for.”

“Ha! Why do you say that?”

“Because he let ME furnish his New York apartment!”

~~~~~~~~~~~  
Two weeks passed.

Sean had said nothing to Chris about his arrangement with Mack. If Mack found an apartment he liked well enough to lease, that would be soon enough to tell her. He did tell her that he planned to move out, but that he was in no hurry if she wasn’t.

They had established an uneasy peace between them. A peace that focused mainly on seeing to their daughters’ needs and avoiding any mention of Elijah’s name. Sean felt he was walking through his life on eggshells, trying with every ounce of his strength to do no more harm than he felt he’d done already. But he walked also with a terrible and oppressive weight crushing his spirit. One that he could not lay down.

They discussed various options with regard to ‘Lava Entertainment’, then decided to sell it and put the money in trust for Ally and Elizabeth. Sean insisted that Chris keep the house and everything in it for herself and the girls, reserving only a few pieces of furniture that had been his since he was single. He would make all the payments. He wanted her to have everything, no matter what it cost him.

Mackenzie raged at him and begged him to reconsider. He asked Sean time and time again to leave the dispersal of community property in the hands of a skilled divorce attorney, but Sean refused. He knew that California law would give Chris half. He wanted her to have it all.

Elijah was hard at work in London. Once again, the phone was their only lifeline.

“Hello?”

“Hey dude!”

“Lij! Oh, god, baby. Thank you. Just hearing your voice… Jesus, Lij. It means so much today.”

“Not every day?” Elijah teased.

“Not as much as today,” Sean said in a low voice.

“What happened, Sean?”

“We told the girls I was moving out.”

“Oh god,” Elijah breathed. “Are you alright?”

Sean shrugged. Then, remembering that Elijah couldn’t see him, sighed and shook his head. “I’m okay, I guess.”

“How awful was it?”

“Pretty awful. But I think they sort of understand. We both botched it several times. And we didn’t mention you. We didn’t think the time was right for that yet.”

“No, no. I understand. Let them get used to one thing at a time. Are they okay?”

“Well,” Sean said in a hoarse whisper. “Ally was upset because she thought you might not be her friend anymore and not come to see her. I thought Chris was going to choke.”

Sean could hear Elijah’s breath hitching in his chest. “Lij?”

The only sound Sean could hear was Elijah’s barely audible sobs. He had turned the phone away from his face and Sean feared Elijah couldn’t hear him. “Elijah,” he begged, “please, talk to me!”

After a moment Sean heard the muffled sound of the phone being lifted to his face. “Sean,” he choked. “Oh god, Sean, how can you not hate me?”

“None of this is your fault. NONE of it!”

“I had to ask that stupid question!”

“Elijah, asking me one simple question could NOT create this situation. Acknowledging the love we’d both been feeling for years didn’t even create it… though it may have been the catalyst.”

Elijah’s breathing was more measured now. “I’m sorry, Sean. I shouldn’t have broken down like that, but when you told me what Ally…” his breathing hitched again. “God!”

“Hey. I told her that you loved her madly and would be seeing her as soon as you got back to the U.S.. Chris didn’t like it I could tell, but we’ve discussed it and she won’t keep you from seeing them. She really is a fair-minded person, Lij.”

“You don’t have to sell me on Chris, Sean. I’ve always loved her, though I’m sure she’d never believe it. Nor even want it.”

“Things will change,” Sean said.

“Oh, listen to Mr. Optimistic,” Elijah teased. “Aren’t you the guy who’s been the ‘gloomy Gus’ around here for the past couple weeks?”

“Mack’s been at me,” Sean said, smiling.

“And speaking of Mack…” Elijah prompted.

“He’s working on it. He’s looking at a couple of places tomorrow. If they look good, I’ll check them out.”

“Sean?”

“Yeah?”

“So… when?”

Sean didn’t need to be told what Elijah meant. He knew. “Soon, babe. Soon. I want to be sure the girls are settled after hearing this news. Then I’ll book a flight.”

“I miss you, man. I mean… I REALLY miss you.”

“I know. I feel the same. And you’re wonderful to stick with me through all this. I know what a drag it has to be.”

“It’s not that big a drag. I just wish… wish we were… you know.”

Sean heard him take a deep breath. “So do I, Lij. I wish it with all my heart. I keep thinking about the last night we were together. Jesus, Lij! At times I can’t think of anything else.”

“Don’t start. Not unless you’re up for a round of ‘phone sex’. Just don’t start.”

Sean laughed softly. “You’re such a brat.”

“Yeah, and you love it.”

“I do,” he laughed. Then, hearing Elijah’s trademark giggle in his ear, he sighed deeply. “Jesus, I want to hold you. You just don’t know.”

“Fuck if I don’t, dude. I DO know.”

“How’s the movie going?”

“Sean, it’s going great. It’s a wonderful script. I believe in it enough that I’ve invested in the movie myself.”

“Lij, are you sure that’s a good idea?”

“Of course I’m sure! Lexi is a brilliant director and the story is amazing. And then, there’s Charlie. Fuck, Sean, he’s sensational. The guy’s a natural born actor, and the camera fucking loves him. He’s a GREAT looking dude.”

“Yeah,” Sean said, feeling his heart sink. “Great looking, huh?”

“We’re having an amazing time shooting this flick. I’m loving it.”

Sean heard other voices in the background, then Elijah again. “Gotta go, babe. Scene. Call later?”

“You got it.”

“Love you.”

“Love you, too. So much. Bye, baby.”

The phone clicked hollowly in Sean’s ear. He stared at it for a moment then shoved it into his shirt pocket. “Jesus, I have GOT to get to London!”

~~~~~~~~~~~

He was fixing dinner for the girls a few nights later when Mack called him. He was practically leaping through the phone line in his excitement.

“Sean! Man, you have GOT to come and look at this place. It’s wonderful! It’s perfect for you.”

“Mack, I can’t! Chris had a businesswomen’s meeting and I’m with the kids. Where is it?”

“Hollywood Hills. Very quiet neighborhood. And it’s not an apartment, it’s a house! It’s small, but has two bedrooms, a huge kitchen, amazing view and a pool!”

“How much?”

“That’s the great part. It’s only $2200 a month. I know the landlady. She was my makeup lady when I was in ‘Facts of Life’, and she’s willing to cut you a deal ‘cause you’re my big brother!”

“Mack, it sounds great. But I can’t look at it now. Can you set something up for tomorrow?”

“I’ll try. I’ll let you know later.”

“OK, buddy. And thank you! Bye, Mack.”

He stood beside the sink, holding the phone, gazing out the window, not even hearing Ally until she’s spoken for the third time.

“Daddy?”

“Oh! Yes, honey. I’m sorry.”

“Was that Uncle Mack? Is he coming over?”

“No, baby. Not tonight. You want more milk?” He wondered if Ally had overheard their conversation and understood enough of it to know it had something to do with his moving out. She seemed subdued through the rest of the meal, and unusually quiet as she played with Elizabeth later on.

Watching her, Sean’s heart ached until he thought it would burst. More than anything on earth… more, even, than his overwhelming need to be with Elijah, he longed to protect his daughters from hurt. And here he was creating the greatest hurt they’d ever known. Doing it himself!

 _‘God!’_ He thought. _‘How can I DO this to them? Am I sure I’m doing the right thing?’_

Mack called later on and told Sean that they could go see the house first thing in the morning. He had even talked the landlady into leaving some of the furniture. Money was going to be tight for Sean for some time, and this would help.

“Okay, Mack,” Sean told him. “I’ll pick you up in the morning and we’ll take a look at it.”

After Chris came home and they’d put the girls to bed, he signaled her that he’d like to chat with her. They met in the kitchen and while Chris poured coffee, Sean tried to think of how to say what he had to say.

“It’s possible I’ve found a place to live,” he said quietly.

“Yeah? Where is it?”

“Hollywood Hills. It’s a small house. I’m going to look at it tomorrow.”

Chris nodded. She studied her coffee mug and said nothing.

“Chris,” Sean said. “This IS for the best. You know that, don’t you?”

“Sean, kindly do not try to get me to approve your plans or give you some sort of ‘permission’ to leave. You’ve made your mind up to do this thing. So do it. Don’t expect me to applaud you.” She planted both fists on the counter and glared at him.

“Jesus Christ, Sean!,” she continued, “I’ve applauded everything you’ve ever done, and what did it get me? I applauded you all the way through college. I applauded you for years while you took two-bit roles in B movies. I applauded when you became close ‘friends’ with Elijah, because it would be…” She made fake quotation marks in the air with her fingers “…good for your role. I applauded when you hung all over him and looked at him like you could eat him alive because YOU…” She made the quotation marks again. “… were ‘Sam and Frodo’ and acting like that helped your roles. I’m done applauding, Sean.”

“Chris, I swear to you. NOTHING happened between Elijah and me in New Zealand… or anytime after that until my last New York trip.”

“Once again, you’re looking for my approval. What do you want, Sean? Am I supposed to feel grateful that you waited seven years to fuck your young co-star?”

“Chris…” Sean began. Her bitter words struck him like stones. “Please stop. I feel horrible enough.”

“You **should** feel horrible,” she told him tossing her coffee into the sink with one quick flick of her wrist. “You should die of shame for what you’re doing to your daughters. Fuck it, FORGET what you’re doing to ME! You should die of shame for what you’re doing to those two little girls who adore you.” She looked at him with disgust and stalked from the room.

Sean staggered from the kitchen out the back door to the patio. It was pitch dark outside and he stumbled over lawn furniture, nearly falling, finally collapsing into a chair next to the pool. He covered his face with his hands, not sobbing, for he felt, finally, too much pain to cry. He moaned instead and rocked back and forth. “Oh god,” he finally whispered. “Oh god, what am I going to do?”

He grabbed his phone and started to hit the fast-dial for Elijah’s number, then stopped. “No,” he whispered. “I’m not going to do this to him.”

He sat beside the pool in the darkness. The lights in the water cast aqua glints on the marble surrounding him. Elijah was so far away. Even the sound of his voice didn’t bring him closer. Had it only been two weeks since they’d been together? It felt like a million years.

‘Am I doing the right thing?’ he asked himself for the thousandth time. ‘Maybe I should tell Elijah I need more time.’ But he knew what that would mean. Elijah would give him all the time he wanted. But he would do it believing that it spelled the end to their plans ever to be together. Elijah would never say a word of reproach. Never ask him NOT to stay with his family. He would simply drift away. And Sean would never get him back again.

His phone rang and he wearily lifted it to his ear. He startled himself by hoping it wasn’t Elijah. Right now, he just couldn’t bear to hear his voice.

Thankfully, it was Mack.

“Hey,” his brother said. “How are you?”

“Lousy,” Sean said.

“Bad night?”

“No worse than a lot of other nights, except that Chris took a big swing at me a bit earlier,” Sean sighed. “It’s got me thinking that maybe I shouldn’t do this, Mack. Maybe I’m moving too fast.”

“I’m coming over. We need to talk.”

“Mack, maybe tomorrow. I’m sorta tir –,”

“No. Right fucking now.” And the phone went dead.

Sean met Mackenzie in the driveway and walked him back to the pool area. “Let’s sit back here. Everyone’s asleep.” He had grabbed some beer for them, and he tossed a bottle Mack’s way. “Here. Catch.”

Mack caught it and twisted the top off. “Ah, yes.”

Sean took a beer for himself but didn’t drink it. He stared at it moodily, twisting it in his fingers.

“Okay,” Mack said. “What kind of ‘swing’ did she take at you to get you thinking that you and Elijah are a bad idea.”

“It’s not that. I know Elijah and I aren’t a bad idea. It’s simply the idea of leaving that seems wrong. Chris keeps battering me with the girls, and she’s right. Look what this is going to do to them!”

They drank their beers while Sean recounted his devastating conversation with Chris. Finally Mackenzie shook his head.

“Sean you’re letting yourself be manipulated.” He held his hand up to ward off Sean’s glare. “I’m not saying she’s doing it on purpose. But you hanging out here instead of leaving is only prolonging the agony. You need to leave and let her establish a life with the girls, but without YOU.”

Sean stared at him.

“They’ll be fine,” Mack said. “But they can’t even START to be fine until you move on. You knew that when you first came back from New York. What changed your mind?”

“The look on Ally’s face when we told her I was moving out.”

“Look, Sean. I didn’t say this wouldn’t be painful. But it won’t be any less painful for them to live here with you while you actively HATE being there and are yearning with your whole heart and soul to be somewhere else. How much fun do you think THAT will be for them? And when do you plan to go see Elijah? Hasn’t he asked you to join him for a few days?”

“I’ve been waiting,” Sean said.

“Waiting for WHAT?”

“Things to get better, I guess.”

Mackenzie sighed. “Tomorrow morning we’re going to go look at that house. Bring your checkbook because you’re going to love it. Then you’re going to book a flight to Heathrow.”

Sean nodded. “I’ll ask Chris about it in the morning.”

“ASK her? From what you told me, she’s pretty much made herself clear on you ‘asking’ for her approval for your plans. And you know what? She’s right! You seem to have the idea that your plans for your life will somehow be acceptable if Chris ‘approves’ of them. Or more to the point, that they’re wrong and unacceptable if she doesn’t.

“I have a responsibility to think of Chris and the girls, too!” Sean insisted.

“Yes, and from what I can tell you’ve **been** responsible! You’ve taken on WAY more than your fair share of the financial responsibility. You’ve given her everything. You want to, and WILL, be her friend if she ever comes to a place where she wants that. And you will ALWAYS be here for the girls in every possible way. How much more responsible can you be?”

Mackenzie leaned forward and grabbed his brother’s wrist. “Listen, Sean. You want all of this to be pain-free. You want them to be healed instantly. You want Chris to smile and cheerfully wave you on to your new life like it was no big deal. That would make things easiest for you. That would let you walk away feeling okay about them. But, Sean, that’s NOT going to happen. They have to go through their pain… just like you have to go through yours. She’s not going to absolve you, Sean. And it’s wrong to expect her to. You have to forgive yourself.”

Sean simply stared at him. How was it possible the he’d lost sight of these things? He’d been so filled with self-hatred that he’d not even considered that he’d done the right thing by his family in every way short of staying.

“Have you talked to mom?”

“Once,” Sean muttered. “And once again, I’m a jackass. Nothing new there.”

“Do you CARE?” Mack asked him, laughing. “She’ll get over it. OR…” Mack said with a shrug. “… she won’t. Doesn’t matter. You’re her son and she’ll love you anyway. In her own inimitable way. PLEASE tell me you’re not still trying to please HER.”

“I guess I’ve been trying to please everyone.”

“Not quite everyone. Elijah’s sitting in London feeling lonely and scared.”

“Why do you say that?”

“Because he’s called me a couple times. He says you don’t call much, and that when you DO you seem distant. You’ve got that boy scared to death.”

“Oh god,” Sean breathed. “Oh god, Elijah. I didn’t realize.”

Mack reached and took the beer from his hand. “Leave this. Go get some sleep. I’ll be here around 9:00 tomorrow to go see the house. Be ready.”

~~~~~~~~~~

By early the next afternoon Sean had given the landlady a deposit on the little house in the Hollywood Hills, telling her that he didn’t want the furniture. He had some ideas of his own about that.

The house was lovely. Not too small, but small enough to be cozy. It was surrounded by a well-kept garden, and the backyard was mostly taken up by the pool. The first thing he did was pick up Ally and Elizabeth and take them there.

“Now you have TWO homes,” he told them gaily as they wandered through the rooms. “And I need your help picking out furniture!”

They spent the rest of the afternoon furniture shopping. He let Ally pick out the bunk bed set for the room that she and Elizabeth would share. She also picked out all the accessories and some beautiful wallpaper fit for a princess.

She also helped Sean and Mack pick out furniture for the living room and his bedroom. “Get THIS, daddy,” she said pointing to an oversized leather recliner-rocker. “You can rock me and Lizzy while you read to us!” That was all Sean needed to hear, and the chair was added to the rapidly growing inventory.  
When he brought them home that night, he and Chris quickly put them to bed, then he went to the guest room and began to pack. As he was pulling clothes from the closet and laying them on the bed, Chris walked into the room.

“Are you moving tonight?” She asked quietly “I saw you packing and thought…”

“Oh, no,” Sean said. “Not until next week. I have to wait for the furniture to be delivered.” He gave her a guarded glance. “I’m going to London tomorrow for a few days.” He heard her quick intake of breath. “I already told the girls.”

“I see,” she said quietly.

Sean started to apologize, then stopped himself. “I can try to get this stuff out of your way before I leave if you’d prefer.”

“No! No, of course not. Do it when you get back.” She turned to go.

“Wait a moment, Chris, please,” Sean said. He could feel his stomach quivering at the thought of what he was about to say, but he also knew he had to do it.

“Would you mind not calling in the middle of the night anymore, Chris? Unless, of course, it’s an emergency,” he hastily added.

“Orders from your boyfriend?” she asked. Her voice was filled with sadness and weariness, not malice, and Sean answered her mildly.

“No, a request from two friends of yours who’d like to get a good night’s sleep, one of whom will already be dopey as all get-out from jetlag.” He gave her a tentative smile.

For a moment she stood in stony silence. Then she nodded, a half-smile on her own lips. “Alright. I know how the jetlag gets to you.” She walked toward the door.

“Chris?” Sean said quietly.

“Yes?”

“Is there anything you’d like from London?”

She turned to him quickly, for a moment her eyes flashed with anger. Then she caught herself and smiled. “No, thanks, Sean. I can’t think of a thing.” And she left the room.

~~~~~~~~~~

Sean had not told Elijah he was coming, and he hoped he’d done the right thing. He didn’t mean this visit as an intrusion.

He approached the door to Elijah’s hotel room slowly, his heart pounding in his chest. But he’d made up his mind that from this moment forward in his life, he would listen to the voice of his own needs as well as the needs of those he loved. And he needed this. He needed it badly.

He knocked softly, and at first heard no sound from inside the room. He knocked again. Was Elijah out?

He heard a movement from inside and then the door slowly opened. He beheld a sleepy-eyed Elijah dressed in a t-shirt and sweatpants, hair a ruffled mess.

“Hi,” Sean whispered. “Thought I’d -,” he began, but he was unable to finish. Elijah launched himself at Sean, arms around his neck, legs wrapped tight around his waist, kissing him again and again with unrestrained passion.

Sean returned his kisses, one arm around Elijah, one still holding his bag. He walked them both into the hotel room and managed to kick the door shut behind them without stumbling. Then he dropped the bag and wrapped both arms around Elijah’s waist, pressing him hard against his body as they kissed.

“Mmmm,” Sean moaned, losing himself in the taste and feeling of Elijah’s lips against his. The bliss that he had longed for enveloped him once again, wrapping him in a euphoria like none other he had ever known. The communion he shared with Elijah was an intimacy that was rapturous beyond his wildest dreams. A sharing that was inviolable and sacred. One that was only partly connected to physical love, but more bound to finding one’s soul reflected in another.

Slowly as they kissed, Elijah relaxed his grip and Sean lowered him to the floor. Still they stood together holding each other close. Elijah’s face was pressed to Sean’s shoulder. Sean sighed with happiness and rocked him gently in his arms.

“My GOD, you feel good!” he said presently.

“You could have let me know you were coming, you wanker!” Elijah said. “I need to arrange some time off!”

“No. No, no. I’ll come to the set and watch you shoot,” he told him, nuzzling his neck. “If you don’t mind that is.”

“Mind?” Elijah said, stroking his hair. “Why on earth would I mind? I just thought I’d try to get us some alone time.”

“We’ll have tons of alone time,” Sean breathed against his cheek. “A whole lifetime’s worth.”

Elijah cradled Sean’s face in his hands and kissed him with infinite tenderness. “I’ve missed you so much,” he whispered. “You’ve been so troubled. Seemed so distant. I thought maybe you’d changed your mind about us.”

“Never,” Sean assured him. “I was looking for redemption, Elijah. I wanted to make this whole situation alright. To make it pain-free for everyone. To get some kind of instant forgiveness for what I saw as my ‘sins’.” He lifted Elijah’s hands in his and kissed them. Then he led Elijah to the couch and sat down. “I’m so sorry that I worried you,” he murmured, wrapping Elijah in his arms. “I promise it won’t happen again. I still feel awful about the pain my decision will cause for Chris and the girls. But I know now that it IS the right thing to do. I don’t feel guilty anymore.”

He touched Elijah’s cheek softly. “I found my redemption,” he said. “Found it right here where it’s been all along. I should have trusted in our love, Elijah. I should have known… the only redemption I’ll ever need is right here in your arms.”

 


End file.
